Its been a really long/short 1 year and 11 months...Its coming to the 2 year death date of my boyfriend, and I read on here one day someone asking if the second year was harder than the first, and in my personal opinion I feel the second year is very hard. The first year I spent blocking it out, and yes it was hard as the one year mark hit and i would picture everything i was doing in the previous year with my boyfriend, but this is the second year and as our son is growing, he looks more and more like his father, and its killing me inside. I miss his father. He had his demons, and the demons won. But he was a good man! Its hard to approach this second year with out him. 2016 approaching and i dont want to enter this year without him. Its like another year that goes by is another year im leaving him behind in. its like watching him in a review mirror. It aches my heart. Its very hard to keep moving forward when all i do is, instead of moving with the current, I move against it. Its affecting my life, my job, my relationships with friends, family and even new current lover. I just feel like I cant move. Like its unfair to keep moving. I talk and I talk and I talk, but i feel like my friends and family are getting so sick of hearing me talk about it. I just want to get my point across, get it out there, that I am not okay! I am having the hardest time. I recently started going to counseling. I am hoping that talking with a stranger will completely turn me around. and help me get onto the right path. Help me let go of what is holding me back. All the validation through a psychic, and all the dreams i have of matt telling me that its okay to keep moving, is just not enough for me. I need more. I am strong, I get up every morning and take care of our amazing little boy. But if it werent for that boy, I would not be where I am. Losing someone to a drug overdose is not easy, in fact its one of the hardest deaths to ever have to mourn. I am so angry inside, so sad. so heartbroken. But I will make it. just takes a little time. So yes, the 2 year death anniversary is coming up, and its sad. Im breaking down, im falling to pieces. I just have to pick myself up little by little. Even if it cuts me. I have to do what I have to for me and my child to live a happy, drug free life. because we deserve a good life. and although my boyfriends death is with me every day, I carry around that awful terrible moment of watching him take his last breath, I also carry around the most amazing memories that we shared. <3