In the beginning of this I felt like I was in a nightmare, at times it still feels that way. Now I feel like I'm just in plain hell.

I can't remember for sure what book I read it in and of the books I've read, only one has said this. One of the things needed in grief is to connect to your loved one. I would agree. I've said it before but there is no "moving on". That's what you do in a break up and that was not what happened here. I went ahead with a medium reading this past week as I've been thinking about it since summer. I finally felt ready enough to handle whatever the outcome and nothing else I do matters. I feel some things will never have even a chance for peace unless I feel connected to my love. For some things there is no fix as the only fix is Gary himself. 

To tell a "normal" what I've done I feel they would say I'm off my rocker. I told my counselor about it and when I said it's hard for me to put the official stamp on something and say it was definitely him, she said that no one really knows. Even that was enough to piss me off a little. I'm not sure why. And thinking about that response, I don't believe that. Nor have I ever believed what religion wanted to teach me growing up which was that you live once, when you die you are gone in it's entirely until the second coming, blah blah blah. l've always questioned past lives and that is still the existence which makes the most sense to me. Which means spirit lives on. And I do believe a person can know. Any other way just doesn't make sense.

After a few days of processing, I really think he may have come through. I will not go into all the details of why here on this blog. But a couple things in particular keep replaying in my mind that I can't shake. With the handful of experiences I've had, whether it was feeling the presences or other potential signs, I've kept the questioning. I've been able to keep the skepticism. But with the reading, maybe there was just too much that made sense. The session was tape recorded and is coming in the mail. If the tape plays okay (I was told it has happened where spirit has interfered and the person will just hear static, once was music), I'll see how I feel hearing it a second time.

All that being said, I still don't know that I will ever feel consoled in my soul. I don't know if anything will ever be good enough. I really don't know that I want to be here anymore. When I say my cat is truly the only reason, I couldn't be more serious. The normals just can't understand. Every day is so damn pointless and painful. I still can't believe he's gone; that this is my life. I say these words over and over. I feel like I'm becoming a broken record and even the words are becoming pointless, useless and meaningless. I'm tired of saying I don't know what to do, and I truly don't. This is hell.