How long do you grieve for your someone?

How long is too long?

How is it that I feel so empty, as in no feeling. Dead inside?

I want to move on, but what steps to take?

Counseling ever actually work for anyone????

Why don't I FEEL him? He promised me he would watch over me. He's not.

Where are those doors that are supposed to be opening up for me?

Will I be able to move on and love again?

will it be any good or will I always compare…

shawn my beautiful son, it feels like a life time since I heard your voice , seen your smile heard your laughter. please shawn come to my dreams, let me know you are happy and with grandma, let me know you are still here with me, my tears sting my hearts broken.  take my hand shawn I want to go with you please baby please. I need you always and forever I love you  mom

I started taking down some of my son's belongings.  He never got to come home from the NICU, so we have this perfectly set up and charming nursery in our home.  It is a place I go to honor him, love him, look over his unworn clothes and cry for him.  

It came to me on Saturday that I was ready to start this.  I didn't want to change much, just remove some baby items off of shelves and put away packaged gifts that were not going to be opened.  I filled up two new plastic bins and was…

everyday and night I ask shawn why he left me here alone, why did god not give you a second chance, I never get an answer. I don't want to be here anymore, not without my son. this pain never stops, never ends, to live like this is not living, I want to smile, laugh and I never will till im with him, god please make it soon, all I do is cry, hurt like I have never hurt before. why baby did you leave me, I need you always have always will. I keep waiting for you to come home, come back to me…

A few nights ago I was watching the show ‘Catfish’. Im not sure if you’ve seen it before but its basically two guys whom get together to investigate and find out if people are who they really say they are over the internet.  The episode I was watching was a little different than the usual guy or girl trying to figure out if their internet significant other is really who they say they are.  This episode featured a young woman who said she had been contacted by a woman claiming to make contact…

I went to watch the UFC fights last night.  In the middle of it all, the bar food and cheap beer...I couldn't stop thinking of my son.  It was loud and everybody was smiling and having a good time; distracted with what was on every large screen T.V.  I kept thinking about how I should have been at home with him, how I should not have been there at a musty bar with friends.  I didn't want to drag my husband down with me and my thoughts, so I went outside and cried for Wyatt.

I should…

Went on Facebook today and someone shared a memory, which was a video of Billy.  In it Billy is being Billy. Seeing it should have brought a smile to my face seeing him and hearing his voice, but instead it was like a knife being twisted in my heart and gut. Seeing it brought back all the happy memories, but that only caused more pain and sadness. Seeing that video basically ruined my day and put me into a funk. I don't get it. Why didn't it make me happy. It gave me a chance to see him,…

Todays my birthday, im 43 and alive , last month was Andys birthday , 43 also, except he's dead, and never got to celebrate his birthday,  and although I'm alive, I refuse to celebrate mine, I mean, what the hells to celebrate,  I told my family many weeks ago, not to get me a card, or even mention it, to their credit they respected my wishes, but a friend of mine I don't see to often called to see me earlier, she brought me a cake, and I know I should be grateful and I also know she ment…

To start, I am a 37-year old woman who has never been married and has no children. Just over a year ago I met a man who I thought was the answers to all of my prayers. We went from zero to 60 in no time and it just all felt so right. We began making statements about our future together and were planning on officially moving in together. He had told his entire family and most of his friends that he would marry me and I won't lie, I felt the same. He turned 30 in September, which made me happy…

I pray everyday you can see your garden, it looks so pretty. with the solar lights to bring you to me. I need my son so much and miss him with all my heart. I want more than anything to be with you, life with out you is no life, im so dead inside, empty and very lonely. my tears still fall all the time, I miss  you shawn  I beg god every night to take me to you, soon I will hold you again, and never let you go.  love you always and forever    mom

 I said I'd be wearing black by the end of the week, and I am.  I lost a best friend yesterday around noon.  The doctors couldn't do anymore to help her. So I sat next to her as she took her last breaths and told her how much I love her.  Told her what a good friend she was to me.  She died while I was talking to her.  I am so devastated this morning.  I am so physically and emotionally ill. My blood pressure went sky high last night, and I don't evn have high blood pressure, normally.  I…

On December 8, 2015 I was woken up by my father-in-law saying my oldest daughter was on the phone. I instantly start worrying because it is a school day and she never calls me on the house phone. As I reach for the house phone I also grab my cellphone and noticed that I have missed 15 calls from my mom. My heart sinks. My daughter tells me that my mom is really needing to speak to me and texted her to see if she could wake me. I call my mom and I will never forget that phone call, or her…

I have really been struggling since the year mark and still trying to figure out why. Not that such struggle is anything new in this nightmare but I am still trying to process it and it's like I have a block or something. I've heard for some the second year is harder because it all becomes real. I don't know if that is what's happening for me. Has anyone else felt this?

The depression is still ever present and seems the trigger to sink me lower comes more easily. I hate my life…