I have really been struggling since the year mark and still trying to figure out why. Not that such struggle is anything new in this nightmare but I am still trying to process it and it's like I have a block or something. I've heard for some the second year is harder because it all becomes real. I don't know if that is what's happening for me. Has anyone else felt this?

The depression is still ever present and seems the trigger to sink me lower comes more easily. I hate my life without him here. I am still so brokenly sad. I still feel like my life is over. "Us" was the majority of my life purpose - what we were going to learn and grow together that could only come with each other. I felt that so strongly. How do I find a purpose to replace that?? To be grateful for the time I had ... I'm still so sad over all that was lost. I still isolate myself from people and many, really all, things social. Why put myself through even more misery. The few things I have tried in the past few months I'm clearly not at a place I can do it.

At 14 months I still cry. I still miss him as much as I ever have and feel that will never go away. I may not even be at half my life. What a long, heavy, and cumbersome road I feel that will be to carry. I don't know if I'm up for it. People say the cliche life is short - I sure fucking hope so. I don't care as much about my health, not that I will let myself go, but definitely don't want to prolong my life and maybe, even hopefully, my not caring as much will shorten it.  

I've been going to a grief group (my 3rd I've tried) and feel I'm actually getting something out of this one. It's only 6 weeks long and I wish it wasn't ending. 

I still can't see the path ahead of me and I struggle to trust it's there. I don't know how to do this and am still in survival mode. Literally every plan revolved around "us". I cannot describe how obliterated my life has been.

There is more to say but I'm not coming up with the words.