Remembering hurts

Went on Facebook today and someone shared a memory, which was a video of Billy.  In it Billy is being Billy. Seeing it should have brought a smile to my face seeing him and hearing his voice, but instead it was like a knife being twisted in my heart and gut. Seeing it brought back all the happy memories, but that only caused more pain and sadness. Seeing that video basically ruined my day and put me into a funk. I don't get it. Why didn't it make me happy. It gave me a chance to see him, hear him, remember all the good times. Why does that hurt so much?!?! Why can't I be happy remembering?!?! Why do I feel so crappy?!? I know I'm wallowing in my own pity party and recognizing that should smack me back to reality and force me to appreciate the fact that I got to see and hear him again, but yet it doesn't work that way. I miss him, I miss us, I miss what could of and should have been!! 

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Comment by Robin on June 29, 2016 at 12:05am
I know how you feel up until one week ago all I had was pictures I keep saying if we only had the voice well we do my daughter found a voice message on an old phone it brought tears to my eyes and it really didn't make me happy because the only thing that would make me happy I can never have back I hope in time we all find peace hugs to you
Comment by Vicki on June 5, 2016 at 2:14pm
Dear Stephanie and Karen I totally feel the same. Seeing a picture, place, handwriting, just about anything, and actually video, would probably be worse. Makes me more sad and sets me way back. Just like you, I'm hoping to figure out why and when it will stop. I need to be strong and happy for my kids. They don't like seeing me sad. May you all find strength to keep going.
Comment by karen baer on June 3, 2016 at 9:35pm

I do the same thing. I look back trying to make myself feel better but it does the opposite.  No matter what it is, pictures, article of clothing, videos, it just is not as good of my husband actually being here with me......Don't feel like it's  a pitty party. it's not that. you are normal and grieving. that's something we will always do. we will always love them and miss them. Unfortunatly, we just have to figure out how to live differently. that hurts a lot to say it. and I am personally trying to figure that out too.

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