Kathleen

I haven't been on in a long time. I'm so very sorry to hear about Rocky's passing. No matter how long you know it's coming, you are never ready for it. There is nothing that I can say to make you feel better, but please know I care.

Sara

Oh Kathleen, I am sooo sorry.  You have been through the wringer with watching your love slowly fade away.  I wish there was anything to say or do to make this easier for you but I am still without answers myself.  Right now you are entering a very surreal place and you will find it impossible to believe where you are.   I would advise you to try to just do the basics.  Just the things you have to do because that will be more than enough.   Small steps to get through the hour.  Just an hour at a time.  Only what rises to the top of the crisis pile.  And that will include lots of crying.  But I think it is the body's way of relieving the mind of the battle that is going on because you will not understand this loss.  

Eat when you can.  I used to take showers when I knew I was going to cry hard because the water helped.  And I would sleep when I could wherever I fell asleep because it is too hard to keep to a routine but try to spend some time doing some of the things you used to.  

You have been here with us while Rocky was sick and I am sorry you are now coming here with the kind of news we all never want to hear.  My heart goes out to you because I know the pain you have and no one deserves this kind of pain.  We are here to help you through the grieving state you are entering and it will seem unimaginable but it is natural especially when we have loved someone as much as we all have.  No one will replace Rocky but you were loved and that is something many never get.  It was truly our gift from them.  Take care. 

morgan

Kathleen,

Just tell Rocky over and over you love him.  He just needs to hear you say it.  Tell him that your love for him will not stop and that you will see him soon.  That none of this is anybodys fault and that you both did the best you could.  That he has been extremely courageous and you love him for that.

I wish for you the least amount of hurt that you will be enduring and please come here to us.  It is the place where we all know what this is like.  We can help you feel a bit less confused and helpless in this journey. 

Just tell him you love him.  The truth of that will set you both free.  

morgan

Hi Kathleen,

Just checking in to see how things are going. Haven't heard from you since before Christmas....You are in my thoughts and prayers....

Kathleen

I had to be away for awhile. I just wasn't very good company. But...I'm worried about you. I don't see any recent posts.

Kathleen,

I haven't seen you on here, or heard from you lately. Are you ok? How's Rocky?

Just wanted you to know I haven't forgotten about you....

i didn't get a chance to say anything to my boyfriend Sean but every night I talk to him and ask him to please come and talk to me in my dreams. Tell me that you love me and that you are ok. I have had other dreams like that from people who have passed in my life. I remember 1 dream I had when he came through a window in a bedroom that I was standing in and he said I'm here. I turned to him and put my arms around him then I woke up. I am hoping I will see him soon in another dream.

Kathleen,

I'm am doing much better because of a book I read. It is called "Never Say Goodbye" by Patrick Mathews. He is a medium and I believe that 99 percent of mediums are fakes but from what I've been able to find out I believe that Patrick actually has the gift of being able to communicate with those who have passed. I think you would get a great deal of comfort out of the book.

Kathleen,

Every night I go to bed hoping it will happen again. My sister said maybe he was saying goodbye which might be true.  I believe our loved ones stay around for a little while.  I could feel my mom was still with me after she died, but I don't feel that anymore.  I miss my husband and life just feels so pointless without him.  I am just going through the motions until I can be with him again.

Kathleen

Please feel free to private message me anytime you want to vent. I would also be happy to give you my phone number as the nights are so hard, sometimes you just want someone to listen to you, I don't sleep well, I am still on the couch, so if you need someone to just listen, I'm up at all hours, and would be happy to just listen.

I know that everyone is telling you this, and just like me, you won't do it, but try and take care of yourself also. You can't take care of him if you get sick.

Thinking of you

Sara

Kathleen

I see that it cut me off, so I will hurry and finish this book to you. What I was saying is that I believe he choose to go when I wasn't in the room. Thank goodness that his sister and my sister were there.

I also don't regret one bit not letting anyone else take care of him. I was the only one that ever gave him his meds or did his tube feedings. I just told him that no one else was going to take care of him the way that I wanted him taken care of. But I remember being so tired, he needed his meds every 3 hours, and he had just gotten me a new german shepherd puppy because we had lost ours and he wanted me to have a big dog in the house, anyway between the two of them, I was exhausted. But I also understand that being home with them 24/7 isn't an option for most people. I am blessed that our niece has worked for us for 15 years and knows my job almost better than I do. She really stepped up and took over for me so that I could be home with him.

Through all of this, I guess I am saying, do and say what is right for you. Do you have any kind of I phone or Ipad or tablet. I know that you can download the kindle app and I could loan you the two books that I purchased. One of them really, really helped me during the last three days as I was much more prepared for what would happen. On Tuesday morning when the nurse told me to stop feeding him, I would of argued that I wasn't going to stop feeding him and make him feel like I was giving up, but reading the book I was aware that it was what was best for him.

Kathleen

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It seems that I just went through it yesterday although Jim has been gone for 3 months. I think that I accepted long before Jim did that he was going to die. I shouldn't say accepted it, because I wanted to fight it as long as we could. I did think that it would of been a little easier if he had ever accepted it as we could of planned more than we did. There were about 3 times that he would break down completely and tell me that he did feel like he was going to die soon, and then after I got him calmed down we would talk about what he wanted me to do with our business and some of the vehicles that he had collected and built and etc. But up until two days before he died he still wanted to go to treatment and fight it. During those times that he would talk to me about what would happen if he did die, I would just cry and tell him that he had spent the last 37 years teaching me how to take care of myself, and that while I would miss him everyday, I would be okay. Not that it's true, sometimes I miss him so much I can't breathe. My husband was like the head of the whole family since his dad died when he was 9 leaving him with 4 younger brothers and sisters. His mom also died young, leaving him to deal with all of the family issues. He was also the most successful one in the family so everyone came to him with all of their problems, financial and otherwise. Jim was the big, strong "he-man" that worked 7 days a week, 18 hours a day so that he could help take care of everyone, and so that we could enjoy our retirement. But..at the end, he was really, really worried that he wasn't leaving me financially prepared. I finally had to write down for him all of the assets so that he would quit worrying. However, I do know that his sister and our attorney told me that I could draw on his social security at 59 for two years. Please check into that.

He had chemo for 13 months. While he did have some nasty side effects, we were lucky that he didn't ever get the nausea that a lot do. However, because he couldn't eat he lost an incredible amount of weight. When he was diagnosed he weighed 256lbs and when he passed he weighed 126. I was really angry with his doctor for not insisting that we put the feeding tube in much earlier than we did. Yes, Jim fought it and didn't want it. But the doctor was the one that knew what was going to happen and should have made him do it. We know two others that have been diagnosed with the same type of cancer and both had their feeding tubes put it within the first month, Jim didn't have his put in until 9 months into it and he had already lost over 100lbs. The worst parts for him was not being able to go to work. He had started building another hotrod and he wanted so badly to finish it. He didn't get to. And then of course not being able to eat. The ONLY good thing was that I didn't want to eat in front of him even though he kept telling me that it didn't bother him, I knew it did, so anyway, I lost the 20lbs that I wanted to lose. He would get so upset and say that he didn't want to leave me and the kids, I know that it did make him feel a little bit better on the Saturday before he passed our son, who is 29, told his dad that he didn't have to worry because "I promise dad, I will take care of mom", you could almost see some of the weight lift off of him. He worried so much about us.

For me....I had to start telling him goodbye early, without him really realizing that I was telling him goodbye. I was so afraid that it would sneak up on us and I wouldn't get to say everything to him that I wanted to say and that is exactly what happened. From Sunday morning until he passed away on Wed at noon he got worse than he had in the whole previous year. I still don't know what happened to make him go so quickly. I wasn't in the room when he passed, I had just left 2 minutes before to call our kids, but I think that he choos

Kathleen,

We are planting a Japanese Lilac in Cherie's memory on Saturday. I have mixed emotions about the whole tree thing but that was what she wanted. I will be glad when the memorial party is over. 

When you mentioned getting a tattoo it reminded me that I thought about getting "DNR/DNI" tattooed on my chest. Just to make sure that no paramedics try to revive me.

I'm glad that you had a better day today. We all need days that are somewhat better or we would lose our minds.

Kathleen,

If Rocky wants off the meds, I would say go with it. I know you arent' ready to let him go, but, he's the one who knows how much he can tolerate. It isn't easy to make that decision. But, you KNOW how much he's suffering. You will have to be the strong one and stand up for him. I hate to say it, but, there is a lot to be said for the "quality" of life, not just life itself. Maybe even just a break from the meds. If you think he's depressed (and justifiably so) maybe they can start him on something...that's what we did with Bill. If I could wave a magic wand over the 2 of you I would!