each day I ask how do I go on without you,  why does my heart still beat, when its so dark and broken. and I get no answers, I know I never will. I ask you everyday what it is you want me to do,  if you want me to go on living, I cant, if you want me to be happy again, I cant, to smile, laugh again I cant.  I want to dream of you , hold you and see those big brown eyes again, I want to hear mom I love you, I miss you and I need you again. I want so much to run to you, please shawn help me, I…

thank you  for thinking of me, my doctor and I talked for a very long time about shawn and oh how I cryed. she said what im feeling is ok and my family should be here for me , but there not. we talked about this support group here and I told her  you are all more then friends you are my new family, how you all care and understand, how you are here for each other when we are hurting so bad. we talked about the holidays coming and how im hurting so much, my wish to know my son is with my mom…

today my doctor is coming for a visit, its going to be hard talking about the holidays. I just hate them so much anymore. a friend dropped a card off with tiny butterflys, flowers and angels inside and asked me to sprinkle them where shawn is resting, I cryed so hard, its a beautiful thing to do. its getting harder to sleep and I feel so tired. I just want so much for these holidays to be over. its just to painfull with out my baby. I want so much to sleep and never wake up, to hold my son…

im in so much pain during these dam holidays, I would give my life up to hold you now, without you here life is not worth living. I beg you to come to my dreams to tell me you are happy, with mom , I want so much to hold your face to kiss you and never let you go. please don't let me go through x mas alone, my tears flow each and everyday, please hear my prayers, im begging you.  take me with you, take my hand, my heart is filled with darkness, you are the love of my life forever, mom

what I would give to hold you and kiss you, this time of year I hurt  even more, I remember how you love x mas but with out you I just cant do it any more. so many tears I have cryed, and praying you will come get me, my beautiful son how can I go on with this unbearable pain, how does my family smile and be so happy knowing im dieing inside, please shawn help me get through this holiday, help me to dream of you, with out you  theres nothing left, I wish my heart would stop beating, I wish I…

with everything and everyone getting ready for Christmas, my pain is worse, my heart so broken. I only want to hold you, to touch your face, to feel your love. I gave everything that's Christmas away, without you there will never be a holiday, its just another day filled with heart break. I sleep in your pjs and I can smell you with me. but I cant feel you, I need so bad to feel you. if you told me you need me I would come right away. please come to my dreams, please come to me. night god…

oh god I hate this time of year, people putting light on there homes, I cryed so hard, everyones so happy and shopping and putting up lights . and I just hurt so bad. my life is over without shawn, I see my family, friends  all getting ready. me I cry , I hurt, im so dead inside.  I just pray each night to go with my son. dear god that's all I want. take my unbearable pain away, take my tears and my broken heart. take me to my baby.