today july 28 at 4 in the morning  for the first time in almost 9 months, I heard my son,  as clear as if he were standing here he called me  MOM  I had been up since 1 a m I just could not sleep,  I went out front to sit on the veranda, it was raining hard and I just talked to shawn, begging him to talk to me in my dreams and crying hard.  my pills were not working but by 4 they started, I went back to bed and just started to drift when I heard him  say   MOM. I wanted so bad to  go with…

to my shawn,  a beautiful son.  shawn you are my world, you went away and my world  went with you,the light in my eyes went out, my dreams are gone, I need your help so bad, I don't dream any more, and I need to so bad to dream of you, to hear your voice, see your face your smile your laughter. ill never do any till im with you again. my heart is your heart forever. help me shawn I need you so much take my hand baby please, loving you forever mom  

everyday is more and more pain, life will never be the same. oh how I miss shawn, with all my heart. I need so bad to hear him call me, mom im here, mom I love you. mom ill never leave you. his beautiful brown eyes and that perfect smile. my life now is hell I know that now. around his memory garden there are butterflys, yellow ones. I can smell him in his clothes, I want so bad to feel him again, to laugh with him. this pain is like no  other. I miss you shawn, I need you and love you…

it seems like such a long time, but its like yesterday, what I would give to hear his voice, see that beautiful smile again. I sit here crying my heart out again, the feeling of being so alone covers all of me. I hope he hears everything I say to him all day everyday. I wish I knew for sure. every Saturday I would pick him up after work at 4 and go shopping, god how I miss doing that . the pain takes over my body like fire, I don't want to live like this, I want to hold him again.everyday I…

god how I dread tomorrow, everyday is awful but the fifth of every month it hurts more, my shawn was born on april 5 , left me on nov 5. I feel my pain growing more each day. my tears never stop flowing, I keep telling myself its just a bad dream, but its not. its like im falling deeper into the dark hole reaching out for my shawn to come get me. I know I will never heal, ill never know what a day without pain will ever feel like again, my swollen eyes will never go down. when I hear other…

today my shawn sent me a baby bunnie, I cryed again. when I went to see him this morning, I thanked him and sat on the grass crying my heart out. I cry so much everyday and night I just don't know where it comes from.i miss my shawn so very much, god how I want him to come home to me. I smell his clothes every day, to feel him with me.im so lost, empty and I feel so much in a black dark hole without him. the love of my life forever, my shawn.

today I tried to nitty gritty clean, to try to think of something else, but it did not work, cryed all day while cleaning. I miss my shawn with all my heart, how does god take my only child, how does my life go on, I know it wont, I know I cant. to feel so alone so empty everyday. life sucks bad.