my heart is so very heavy, so filled with pain. I miss shawn so much it hurts bad. my tears still fall so much, everyday. to go on is so imposible, im so filled with hate, to see people go on, so happy, laughing. there are times I just want to slap them, slap that smile off there face. scream for my son to come home, not to leave me. to pray for shawn to come get me, I want nothing more than to go with him. I hate living, I just hate. I beg  shawn please help me, im getting no answer.my only…

everyday it seems to hurt more to breathe, I miss shawn so very much, I still wait for him to come home, when the phone rings I pray its him. I know my baby will never leave me, but we have never been apart this long. my heart hurts so bad. I ask why he took my only child, why not me. I wait for signs, I know I have had some but I want so much more.  I hear people and family saying MOM, and I cry so hard wishing I could hear it to. I just want to be with him, hold him, hear him say I love…

everyone said to go see my sister when she got home, so I thought I would give in and go.  shes in a lot of pain and I felt so bad for her, it was a very big surgery,  and to my surprise the beautiful picture of my son shawn that I gave her was no where to be found. I felt hurt, mad and I have had enough. so I asked her where is shawns picture. she said oh its around here some where. I held back my tears  and the anger I was feeling.  how could my sister do this to me, she has pictures all…

today I got a call from my older sister, shes in the hospital. she told me she had cancer surgery yesterday. we use to be so very close, always together. I felt nothing, I could not even cry for her. when my son went away she was here for a month or so, now nothing, when she does call its always the same thing, she says , kim you need help, you need to move on, to need to get out. over and over. I ask her to please talk about shawn to me, but she wont. I feel shes adding to my pain, everyday…

today when I went to see my son shawn I broke down hard like I do everyday but today is was worse, since  the new year nothing has gone right, so I know it will be a shitty year. but I know since you went away im just not strong enough to handle any thing any more.i just cry at a drop of a hat, I feel empty more and more everyday. my life means nothing, I beg to be with you, I pray to get sick, I pray for you to grab my hand and take me with you. your dad says im full of hate and I know its…

today is the first, its just another day filled with pain and darkness. my heart hurts so bad, its just like yesterday I remember every min of that day. its so cold and windy today I hope my shawn is warm. I hope he hears me everyday. I want so much to hold him,  why is this happening to us? why . I keep asking, all I want this year is to be with my son, I pray  to go.  to go on  each day is to hard, I use to be a strong person but not any more, every min of the day all I think about is…