today I got a call from my older sister, shes in the hospital. she told me she had cancer surgery yesterday. we use to be so very close, always together. I felt nothing, I could not even cry for her. when my son went away she was here for a month or so, now nothing, when she does call its always the same thing, she says , kim you need help, you need to move on, to need to get out. over and over. I ask her to please talk about shawn to me, but she wont. I feel shes adding to my pain, everyday I talk about shawn but my sisters wont. they each have 2 daughters and grand kids. they will never know my pain. they will never be in this deep dark hole. and they don't want to die like I do. shes my sister but I just feel nothing, I wish it was me, I would never have had the surgery, I would know ill be with shawn soon. I would dance and sing if it only was me. I feel bad that im feeling nothing for her, but I just cant I have nothing left, and I cant forget the hurt she did to me and my son.  its just so hard to feel anything any more.