It started as a normal morning. 3 years out from that devastating afternoon when she lost all control of her life. She had suffered a massive right side stroke and had lost virtually all control of her left side. Her arm and leg had become swollen and purposeless.

Her arm, she always cared for with a gentle readjustment of position. I could do nothing beyond reassure her with my love and bring her chocolate ice cream and cans of chocolate…

My beloved Cherie didn't want a funeral. She wanted to be planted as a tree in the backyard. This coming Saturday we are going to have a memorial party and plant her ashes with a tree in the backyard. I am dreading the day because I really don't want to deal with all of the people that will be coming. Plus it will be another reminder that she is really gone. It is so hard to go on living. I hope everyday that I don't have to wait long to join my loved ones.

tomorrow june 11 my mom has been gone for 34 years, I can remember it all like it was yesterday. I pray everynight that she has my son, my baby. please god let her tell me she has shawn, I need to know my babys ok, happy and not alone. I beg her to take me to my shawn. I miss them with all my heart. what I would give to hold them both, please mom please help me, take care of my baby   always and forever      all my love

Today I think I'm about to break into a billion shattered pieces. I'm having panic attacks, I want to scream, I need someone to talk to. And I can't do any of it. Where are the people who say they love me? I guess they are tired of hearing me crying every single day over my son. They want me to move on, get back to normal and talk about how beautiful the weather has become. I want to rip the hair from my head because maybe that pain will ease the pain my sould is going through. My son, me…

today the girl next door came over to show me her new baby, I could not go out side to see her. all I could do was cry remembering when my beautiful son shawn was born weighing 5 pounds 14 ounces. so beautiful and I knew he was mine forever, never in a million years did I think he would go away and I am alone, empty. my life now is crying and praying to go with him. my heart so broken, its to hard to see people happy, to se new babies, to see life go on. I so hate living waking up each…

my dearest husband

two months....60 days....1,440 hours.......86,400 minutes........5,184,000 seconds no matter how you add it up it equals too much time away from each other. too many tears cried. too many questions unanswered. this still feels so very unreal. like this horrible nightmare im waiting to wake up from. you would be proud of me I think. yeah I have fucked up but im trying. every day I wake up and try. some days are better then others. some days its all I can do to get…

May 9,2015 that date will live with me forever !! It's the day that my world changed .I miss you mom and every moment since then you have just stayed right on my mind.For 15 years you and I got to be the best of each others world.I had been your caregiver all those years and mom I would not have changed any of it.I know I was not easy to live with and we both would get on each others nerves but we were still each others world.

How oh how do I carry on without you .I ask myself…

The other day I started to feel that unbearable loneliness creeping up on me, this is starting to happen more often, and I panicked and called my friend. We went to the forest and smoked a joint then to a bodega where we had a beer. A middle-aged Russian woman was sitting in a booth next to us and she turned around to talk to us. She was obviously an alcoholic, and for a brief moment I wondered if I was staring into my future. That if I don't move on from this loss, I will end up drunk and…

I really like birds and have several bird feeders on the deck. One of my favorite birds is the Yellow-headed Blackbird. I haven't seen one in our area in over six years. It is a bird that I'm always looking to find. So, I told Cherie if she was ok to send me a Yellow-headed Blackbird. I was on way to an appointment this morning when a Yellow-headed Blackbird flew right in front of the car. I almost drove off the road. I'll take this as a sign from Cherie.

Hey Mom,

I know you aren't gone from this world yet, but I also know that day is quickly approaching us.

I want you to know a few things:

For starters, I love you. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I hate you're leaving us so early in my lifetime because Matthew and I have just gotten to be old enough to really know how to appreciate everything you and Dad have done for us. I'm sorry I was a bratty teenager who made you cry sometimes.…

I lost my soulmate and father to my son on april 3rd of this year. he was killed in an industrial accident at work. its been less then 2 months so far but so many people are telling me already its time to move on. how do you tell your heart to stop feeling when you were with someone for 10 years,im lost and feel somewhat out of control. I find myself turning to alcohol and other vices to ease the pain I feel. which of course gives others yet another chance to shame me and feel like they know…

Thank you to everyone that has responded in some way to my blog and my posts.  The interaction has helped.

It has not been enough for me though.  As I have said in previous posts; I need, want, and deeply crave human interaction.  And when I write three or for blog posts in a row that are read by few and not commented on, it just causes more feelings of isolation and loneliness.  

So I am moving my online grief operations to the Alliance of Hope website.  It is…

Yesterday was suppose to be a fun filled day to celebrate my sister graduating college. But of course family that I have not seen or spoken to since Norman's passing brought him up. I did not want to talk about it him as it was not about me and how I was doing. It was my sister's day.

My aunt decided she needed to give me her opinion on how I am handling his passing. She told me you need to talk to someone about it. Who are you to tell me I need to talk to someone? Every one…

Yesterday I said I was not going to dwell on the loss of my wife Cheryl, today I am, at least in this blog post.

It's another morning and I have been lying in bed for a few hours hoping to fall back asleep.  But I have had no luck.  My mind of course has been thinking of Cheryl.  Of the more than 31 years we knew each other, and how we had so many experiences together that we could always share a private laugh.  And now those memories are only mine.  They feel like such a…

I am awake again, and have some anxiety.  When thoughts that I know just lead to pain have been entering my head, I try to change the subject.  Not having much luck right now, but I will continue doing it.  

I need to start to prepare for a trip on Tuesday.  Once again, I am going to attempt to return to work.  I failed a few weeks ago when I tried.  The physical and mental discomfort I felt while I waited at the gate for my delayed flight, led to a breakdown at the airport.…

im sorry I have not been on for a long time, for those that are new im truly sorry for your loss, to my friends that I have made in here I still feel your pain. I have not been doing to  good health wise, but I really don't care any more, I still pray every night to be with my son shawn. I cry morning noon and night, I feel my pain will never end, the emptiness, the darkness is so unbearable.to feel as lonely as I do is no way to live. I hope with all my heart you are all doing a little…

Yesterday morning was difficult.   I had another doctors appointment.  I get anxious waiting in those little rooms that you get placed in while waiting your turn to see the doctor.  My mind immediately went to missing Cheryl, she was a nurse, she was my comfort.  And whenever I had some significant health issue she would accompany me and usually wait in the little rooms with me so it didn't seem like a prison cell.  I almost lost it while waiting alone there.  The doctor finally saw me,…

I got a call at work today from daycare to say my granddaughter was sick and i needed to come get her. only work would'nt let me go. i wanted to call my husband so bad and tell him what was going on. like i alaways did. but i couldnt. i miss him so much.

Has to be around dinner time and after, I I didn't not hear from Josh all day, I'd get a call around dinner...what's for dinner ma? I think some nights I think the phone will ring. I start to cry a d do on and off till I  fall asleep, I don't know how I  sleep, maybe cause he's at peace