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Comment by morgan on May 22, 2017 at 8:49pm

I agree Mike.  And I absolutely understand the choice to not want to die.  And for some that is what happens.  I guess at times I just wonder how much of it comes from feeling that we have to somehow reconstruct under the pressure of what others expect.  At least that is how I see it around me, from sisters, brothers, friends as I have no children which I think does make a difference.  

There are times I wish I could feel what it would take to turn onto a road of inspired living but then I remember what brought me to this point and there is no one or thing that isn't just a false attempt at providing more than just existing.  

I don't mean to take away from the hope you have and proffer to others I just don't feel most people come through it in time.  I think we just think we do.  But like you said, everyones journey is their own and I agree wholeheartedly.  I was just making commentary on how hard it is for so many and those who never heal or find a new place to rest their heart.  But I am glad you have. 

Comment by Mike on May 22, 2017 at 3:21pm

Thank you for your comments, Morgan. I have no problem being accused of writing from inspiration to give hope.  Grief is a different journey for everyone, and I would be the last one to judge someone else's journey.  My writings cover a three year period of great angst but they are my story of going through the loss of my wife and the survival of myself and my six kids. I chose at some point along that timeline that I wanted to not die, and so I was inspired to write about the ups and downs, the depression and laughter, and eventually the moving forward.  I am no better or worse than anyone, and if my story benefits one person along the way then it was worth it.  

Comment by morgan on May 22, 2017 at 1:25pm

I find your posts to be written for inspiration but also somewhat disingenuous.  Not in a mean way but in a way that is pretentious.  Not meant to harm and certainly aspire to give hope.  But I am not sure that it isn't false hope.

For me, after this long wading through life without the support of my husband, the one person who ever really gave a damn about me to the extent that I knew he would never leave me willingly I placed all my hopes, dreams and wishes in the basket he took with him.  Not to say I cannot function now.  Far be that from what I am doing.  But as to joy, happiness, sharing, caring, loving, nurturing, discussing, touching, nature, family, friends, strangers......it has all become surreal.  Nothing has body.  Nothing is what it seems.  I do because it is required of me to live on this familiar plane of existence but the feelings of strength are gone.  I am but a weak shell of a former self.  There is no atomic structure left.  It has been swallowed by the black hole of the universe. To me, the vision of what anyone sees as a life after what is for all intent and purposes my own death, even though I still exist in bodily form, is trying to fit a round peg in a square hole.   I don't fit now, I never will fit and no matter what, that will not be any different than it was the day he died.   I do not move forward, I just move because I exist.  Blessed be the day I stop.