my dearest husband

two months....60 days....1,440 hours.......86,400 minutes........5,184,000 seconds no matter how you add it up it equals too much time away from each other. too many tears cried. too many questions unanswered. this still feels so very unreal. like this horrible nightmare im waiting to wake up from. you would be proud of me I think. yeah I have fucked up but im trying. every day I wake up and try. some days are better then others. some days its all I can do to get out of bed. my heart feels like someone is perminently squeezing it, its missing a huge piece of it. a piece I dont think will ever be replaced. im so very lonely all of the time. im so scared and lost and tired. we had so many plans for the future so many things we wanted to accomplish and do together and now without you its hard to even see a future. I know that everything is suppose to have its purpose its reasoning but I cant for the life of me see what good could come from god taking you away from me. if i had to pick one thing i miss most it would simply be your hugs. you had the best hugs in the world and when i was in your arms i knew i was safe,I knew whatever was wrong would be ok. now what? I know deep in my heart that what happened was nothing more then a terrible accident but I cant help feeling like its my fault somehow,I just feel like i should of done more even though in reality I know there was nothing i could do. i wonder sometimes if the feelings the questions the fear are normal or if im going crazy. im afraid to cry some days because it feels like if i do i wont be able to stop. dj is doing ok I dont think he fully understands the finality of what has happened. he asks me nightly if we can say a prayer to daddy we take turns saying them. he always asks god to take good care of you. im trying hard to be mom and dad for him but I dont think i ever realized what a special relationship you two had until you were gone. everyday its i wish dad was here so he could _______ he misses you teaching him sports. he misses reading with you he misses going in the car with you...he misses his haircut buddy. I will try my hardest to fill the void as best i can but make no mistake your so very very missed.