My wife Jami's birthday was yesterday, 10-13-11.

Our son Nicholas and me didn't have a cake, we had her favorite, M&M cookies.

It was somewhat of a difficult day but not really!  It was more of a challenge.  A challenge to be brave, courageous, and committed to getting through it (her birthday) I made it a goal when today arrived to celebrate this day, no matter how difficult it was, the way she would want us to.  And…

I am sorry any of us have a reason to be here, but even still, I am very grateful to know there is a community available like this online.

I am here to be able to connect with anyone who has or is undergoing a sudden, traumatic loss. Also, I hope to help myself work through my own guilt. I know, deep down, I shouldn't feel guilty, but it is sticking with me. I hope being here can help…

I just joined the group and am a 79 year old widower who lost his wife 10 months ago. After attending Hospice one-on-one counseling as well as group counseling (they did help me at the time), I sometimes feel like I'm slipping back into deep sadness and depression at times. I can't make it through a whole day without falling apart a few times. After 54 years of marriage, it's very hard to live alone. I notice there doesn't seem to be a group for older widowed people so I'm entering my blog…

It's been almost 15 weeks since my Mom passed away.

I have so many thoughts constantly running through my head. Some days I feel crazy. I can't, or don't talk about what I'm feeling. To anyone. No one understands, so why worry or burden them with my horror stories? Which is what my life feels like; One big never ending horror…

I choose to focus on the good. The good memories, the good times, the good laughs, the good food, the good trips, the good moments-all good and so good.

Up and down and over and around we go with faith, family, with clarity, and with peace.

I"m so happy and so sad at the same time. Finally, after months of waiting,  Daddy came back to me in a dream.  I've waited so long.. and it was short and sweet.

I dreamt that I was in their house walking through trying to find the bathroom. I sense that Mom is in one of the bathrooms. All the bathrooms were locked for some reason so I go through Mom & Dad's bedroom. As I walk through the bedroom i see Daddy lying in bed, sleeping. Peacefully, happy.  In my dream I know he's…

My partner Pam has been very supportive. I told her this grief is something I've to go through and I love her. Ophie was a big part of me. Now our cat Beau who was diagnosed with renal failure is slowly deteriorating. He was doing fairly well and enjoyed life despite the loss of his eyesight months ago.  Now he's eating less and continues to lose weight. He's the sweetest cat I ever had. He's now 15. Seems like only yesterday... time flies.

  I feel like I'm so weak. My physical pain has become all consuming. I can't move without pain, I am always so tired, and I have a multitude of other symptoms. Still no answers. 

  Friday became too much. I don't remember much, but I ended up trying to OD and slit my wrists. I remember crying on my bathroom floor just wanting the pain to stop. I'm supposed to be happy and starting a new life. But since Matt died, there has just been so much pain.

  Anyway, I texted my husband…

Last night, my 7 year old son Nicholas turned to me and said, "Daddy, I can't miss mommy too much because she's right here!  And he pointed to his head.  I told him, baby boy, your heart is in your chest.  He said, "I know, but I've been having heartburn and thinking of Mommy makes it better!"

I have a lot to learn from my child.

Michael

I have been thinking a lot recently about the years before I lost my Momma Rose and my wife Jami.  

Can recall feeling very lucky for quite a few years that nothing big has happened yet to anyone in my immediate family.

My life was caught up just like everyone else's.  Getting the kids up and ready for school, getting to work, shopping, getting paid, paying bills, going broke, working out, calling Jami from work, getting back home, talking to the squirrels (when my wife was mad…

As I write this, I am crying again. I will go all day, constantly thinking about my Terry, my "Hawk", trying to carry on at work, with life in general while thinking about him, feeling numb, just going through motions. Then something will start me crying again... maybe a kind word from a friend, maybe a photo or one of his pieces of art... as I write this I am crying again. Maybe it is good I cry, to…

Back on August 8th 2011, my post mentioned that I was seeing many Cardinals in my backyard, so many that I couldn't even count them.  Hadn't seen one in the front yard I don't think ever. Then while I was standing outside talking to my mother in law on the phone one day, I mentioned all of the Cardinals in the backyard to her.  She advised me that when my wife (Jami) was a child she would see a Cardinal and yell out "Redbird Redbird" and scare them away.  After she told me of this, I…

Kenny, then Ben, and now Chris.  All terminal cancers.  What am I trying to do with Chris?  Not re-live past losses.  Am I trying to win this time to conquer past losses????

I hope that isn't it.

Cause Chris and I have had 20 yrs of friendship....we tried dating a long time ago, but realized we were better friends.  Through all life has been handing us, we have remained close.

Now I am standing by his side. Pancreatic cancer.  I have to question whether I am masochistic,…

Fall is upon us once again and I'm thinking of bow hunting.

Charles and his dad love the outdoors and hunting.

Every season you come back to me 

As the seasons just keep moving on

they don't change because you're gone

But with…