I am sorry any of us have a reason to be here, but even still, I am very grateful to know there is a community available like this online.

I am here to be able to connect with anyone who has or is undergoing a sudden, traumatic loss. Also, I hope to help myself work through my own guilt. I know, deep down, I shouldn't feel guilty, but it is sticking with me. I hope being here can help resolve or at least ease that.

As I have briefly written in my profile here, I lost my husband and so much more to me, suddenly on August 14, 2011. He had a massive heart attack.

The small bit of comfort I have, is that we were all here at home, when it happened.Everyone tried their very best to help him. I know he fought hard to live, too. We were together 12 years. We had just celebrated our anniversary one week prior to his passing.

My mother and my stepson (he's an adult) were around and helped as best they could.

I called 911 and our neighbor who's a retired nurse. She came right over and did CPR on him the whole time while we waited for the ambulance. He had a pulse, when he left the house, he kept losing it and getting it back in the ambulance. Doctors and others kept working on him in the E.R. but it just....wasn't enough.

I know everything was done for him by everyone involved. I know he fought to live. I know he loved me and his family, deeply and unconditionally. Yet, I still can't help but blame myself in some way? I don't know why I am. I keep thinking if I had done ANYTHING else differently, or "better" the outcome would have been different. He'd be here today if only...

Those thoughts don't happen very often, but when they do they are incredibly emotionally draining for me. It's difficult for me to express those feelings. Even with other loved ones who are very supportive. Even with those who have felt loss themselves.

I am expressing it now, again.

Hello everyone.