9-30-11

  I feel like I'm so weak. My physical pain has become all consuming. I can't move without pain, I am always so tired, and I have a multitude of other symptoms. Still no answers. 

  Friday became too much. I don't remember much, but I ended up trying to OD and slit my wrists. I remember crying on my bathroom floor just wanting the pain to stop. I'm supposed to be happy and starting a new life. But since Matt died, there has just been so much pain.

  Anyway, I texted my husband Eric to tell him I was sorry, that I couldn't take the pain any more. When he and my father couldn't reach me they called 911. I remember hearing the police shouting my name and just feeling so very tired and weak. 

  I spent the night in the hospital. The psychiatrist that saw me didn't think I needed inpatient therapy. But here I am trying to find outpatient treatment and support groups. 

  I was told by mom that I "disappointed" a lot of people. Really? I honestly don't care. My pain is making it impossible for me to do even menial tasks. I wasn't in the right frame of mind. I'm still not. People aren't meant to live with chronic pain like this and stay sane. I'm disappointed that everyone but my husband, daughter, and mother in law has seemed to fade away as I deal with all of this. 

  My answers probably won't come for another few weeks. I'm praying that I can get an appointment to see a shrink soon. It's so hard if you aren't on government aid or paying out of pocket. 

  Meanwhile, I'm stuck with the pain of my healing wounds as well as my body.

  I haven't told anybody in my "real" life about Friday. I just feel that I'd separate myself from them even further. But I did feel the need to write about it. Thus, this post.

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Comment by Ruth on October 4, 2011 at 6:10pm

Natasha,  I am glad you are still here to write on the boards.  I don't live with chronic pain myself, but I've been married to my husband who has had chronic pain for the last 25 years. He has an illness related to lupus. Thank God that your husband and daughter and mother in law are there for you.  I am guessing but it sounds like you are going through the differential diagnosis dilemna.  Hurry up and wait.  18 months into our hell we still didn't have an accurate diagnosis and I bitched out a world famous rheumatologist, "look is he going to get better or isn't he.  I know he doesn't have the worst case you work with but it IS the worst case to US."  That's when she stopped being optimistic and breezy, thinking that was helping by giving us hope.  Part of that was our fault not clearly communicating how desperate our financial, social, spiritual condition was before that point.  That's when they stepped it up, going for more serious drugs and research treatments.  Pain management is better now, so maybe that needs to be your next step, to see a pain management specialist.  They will understand about both aspects of your problem, the pain and the suicidal relief you are seeking.  They see it all the time.  I know until you have a diagnosis for your underlying condition, they will be limited but they are used to this also. 

 

You are blessed to have family left.  So many women are deserted when they cannot be the caregiver but need the care.  It isn't just women; many people, including my mother-in-law, told me to divorce my husband, when he needed me the most. Hang in there with people who are supportive, non-judgmental and have been there.  It only take 1 or 2 people to be there so that you want to hang on.  Don't give up looking and asking, until you feel lifted up by their caring.  This is a great place to come for support.  Grief isn't just about death, it is about loss.  You have suffered a terrible loss of your healthy self and it is appropriate to come here and discuss it.  I and many others will understand so welcome and best wishes for the next few weeks to find some better answers for your pain than blotting out all of you instead of it. Hope to hear from you soon, Ruth

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