Tomorrow it will be 2 years since M died.

    I honestly don't know what I'm feeling. Relief? Regret? There is a sense of sadness there.

    My anxiety has been so high as this day approaches. I keep having flashbacks to the moment I found him. To the feelings I felt when I realized…

  On the 27th, it will be two years since Matt died. 

  The thing that hurts the most now is coming to terms with the fact that he wasn't everything I had thought he was. 

  Every day that I'm blessed to spend with my new husband shows me what Matt was not. 

  Do I miss Matt? Sometimes. Did I love him? I had fallen out of love with him, but I loved him as a person, as a friend. Do I think he was a bad person? Not really. I think he was a depressed person who made bad…

  I feel like I'm so weak. My physical pain has become all consuming. I can't move without pain, I am always so tired, and I have a multitude of other symptoms. Still no answers. 

  Friday became too much. I don't remember much, but I ended up trying to OD and slit my wrists. I remember crying on my bathroom floor just wanting the pain to stop. I'm supposed to be happy and starting a new life. But since Matt died, there has just been so much pain.

  Anyway, I texted my husband…

  I find myself remarried to a wonderful Christian man. Even before the first year anniversary of Matt's death has passed. It seems almost surreal. 

  When I found him, cold and lifeless in our bed, I thought my world was over. That perhaps God had given me more than I could handle. I fell apart. Emotionally I put on a strong front. But there were nights when I turned to alcohol to numb my pain. To the point that I broke my foot walking up the stairs after being dropped off after a…

  Grief is a strange thing. Everyone grieves at their own pace... in their own time. I was fortunate enough to have my friends, family, and support group around me. 

  Love is also a strange thing. It comes to us, oftentimes, when we least expect it. When we aren't looking for it.

  When Matt died, I thought my world had ended. But in an unfortunate turn of events, I found out many things about him that made it easier for me to pick up the pieces and start moving on. He wasn't…

  I thought I was doing so well since Matt died. I have my days where all I do is cry and stay in bed. But I've been able to function, spend time with my daughter, work... 

  Lately I just feel so empty and lonely and lost.

  When I found out his cause of death was sudden cardiac arrest I was relieved. I knew he died within minutes. Knew that even had I been home when he died, I couldn't have done anything to save him.

  But I feel so much guilt still that my daughter…