On the 27th, it will be two years since Matt died. 

  The thing that hurts the most now is coming to terms with the fact that he wasn't everything I had thought he was. 

  Every day that I'm blessed to spend with my new husband shows me what Matt was not. 

  Do I miss Matt? Sometimes. Did I love him? I had fallen out of love with him, but I loved him as a person, as a friend. Do I think he was a bad person? Not really. I think he was a depressed person who made bad choices in his life and didn't get the chance to rectify them. Am I angry with him? No. I let that go a while ago. Anger just festers and makes us bitter. I have no room in my life now for that.

   I still have nightmares. Nightmares about the day he died. The way he looked when I found him, waiting for the EMTs to show up to pronounce him dead, the fear my daughter was feeling when she realized he had been dead all day while I was at work and she was home with him.

  What amazes me is a child's ability to heal. My daughter had months of fear, where she didn't want to leave my side. But she has overcome all that and is thriving. She makes me proud.

  Death makes a person think about life. About the things they want to accomplish or the things they shouldn't take for granted.

  My husband and I are expecting a son late this year. I never would have thought that I'd want more children. I was always the "one and done" woman. But I came to realize that I just hadn't found a man that I trusted would be a good parent. Until I married my husband. :)

  I have lost touch with most of Matt's family. I still talk with his cousin now and then. His brother is on my Facebook, but our lives are so opposite that it just saddens me to talk to him.

  He's an alcoholic and quite possibly a drug addict. He's going down the same path as Matt. Drinking himself to death. It makes me sad, but I can't heal him. He has to want it for himself. 

  I feel for his parents, as I worry that he'll end up dead as well. His parents are on the verge of losing their only remaining child, yet all they want to do is hide their heads in the sand and ignore the problem. 

  So, life is good other than some things I cannot change. But I feel at peace with where I'm at.