Matt's parents picked up his ashes from the funeral home. He wanted to be cremated. They are paying for a small memorial at a cemetery nearby. I'm not sure if I'm ready to visit that spot when he's laid to rest there. I know it isn't him... he's in heaven. But those
are his remains. His earthly tent.
I wish I had had more time. I wish I could take back all the fights. I wish I was able to hold him and tell him how much he means to me. I wish I had opted to see him before they placed him in a body bag and took him away. I wish Trinity didn't have to go through knowing that she was home all day with him... and he was gone.
I always told myself to not dwell on the "what if's". To live life without regrets. Now that is all I'm doing.
What if I missed a symptom that could have clued me into what was going on. I'm a cardiac nurse! I should have seen something! What did I miss?
I know we still don't know the actual cause of death... but I'm nearly positive it was a massive heart attack. Everything points to that. Why didn't I pick up on anything?
I regret the marital problems we were having. Yes, we were working through them. Our commitment to each other and to God never made divorce an option. But I could have been a better wife... The stress of being the breadwinner was wearing on me and I tended to take it out on him.
Then I wonder... did he know how much Trinity and I loved him? Still do love him. Did he know that even through all the tough times he was my best friend and my soul-mate?
Is it normal to feel so much guilt?
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