I find myself remarried to a wonderful Christian man. Even before the first year anniversary of Matt's death has passed. It seems almost surreal. 

  When I found him, cold and lifeless in our bed, I thought my world was over. That perhaps God had given me more than I could handle. I fell apart. Emotionally I put on a strong front. But there were nights when I turned to alcohol to numb my pain. To the point that I broke my foot walking up the stairs after being dropped off after a night at the bar. 

  Then I woke up. "I have a child!" I thought. That was all I needed. Yes, I still had my moments of weakness where I cut myself or drank too much. I'm human. I make mistakes. But I learned. I moved on!

  Then I re-connected with Eric. 

  My world was again changed forever. He is what God had planned for me all along. I FEEL it. I KNOW it. 

  My health is suffering. I'm in chronic pain, have fatigue, depression, anxiety, and muscle spasms. I don't know what's wrong with me. My background as an RN makes me think it could be fibromyalgia or lupus. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday with a rhuematologist. Perhaps she'll have some answers.

  Again God is testing me. Again I have my moments of falling apart. But I've lived through hell and survived. I'll live through this as well.