It's been almost 15 weeks since my Mom passed away.

I have so many thoughts constantly running through my head. Some days I feel crazy. I can't, or don't talk about what I'm feeling. To anyone. No one understands, so why worry or burden them with my horror stories? Which is what my life feels like; One big never ending horror story. 

I'm a 27 year old only child. My mother was a single Mom. We were a pair, a team. No one knew me better then she did, and no one Ever will. How did this happen to us? Why? That's the universal question everyone asks and one there is no answer to.

Sometimes I think I did this to her. My Mom has always had some health problems. She had an extra vein in her heart that doctors said was no big deal; they were wrong. She was a diabetic and an asthmatic and the list could go on. In July 2010 I decided to move with my boyfriend from my hometown in Illinois to Texas for his work. I knew that this made my Mom sad, but that she would never ask me not to go. She wanted me to be happy. I said good-bye  to her the night before we left. I remember hugging her, and her saying; "I don't know when I'll get to hug you again.". It broke my heart. I felt like I was abandoning her.

I got a call from my Grandma at the end of August telling me Mom had been rushed to the ER and then Life Lined down to another hospital. That's where it all began, and that's where all my guilt and doubt starts.

Would this have happened if I'd stayed? What did I do wrong when I took over her medical care? Should I have found more specialist? On and on  and on the questions go. One thing after another just kept going wrong. I won't go into all the details because honestly they don't matter now. She's gone. Regardless.

I feel like I broke her heart.

I miss her so much. After living much of the last year up in Illinois with my Grandmother and dealing with Mom's constantly changing medical care I'm back in Texas with my boyfriend. I feel more isolated and alone then ever. No one calls to check on me anymore. Not that I'd be inclined to tell them I'm anything other than fine, but it would be nice to be asked. I call my Grandmother every few days, but she's from a different generation. A generation that did not talk about their feelings under any circumstances. Gee, I wonder where I get it from. :) So we talk about anything other than Mom.

James (my boyfriend), He's being supportive the only way he knows how. Which is to let me do what I want and need, and to not ask any questions. Some days I'm not sure if I want him to do anything other than that.

I still call her cell phone just to hear her voice. It makes me smile. I just wish this pain and panic would go away. Some days I'm fine almost all day and then I think of her and I just break down. Sometimes for only a moment, and others I cry for hours. I just want one more conversation. One where she tells me how the hell I'm supposed to do anything without her.

Everyday I feel a little further away from her and it kills me!

At her service her best friend gave me a plaque that I have on my porch. I look at it daily. It was a saying that they hung to in their hard times and I'm trying to cling to now.

Live, Love, Laugh.

It was Mom's favorite saying, she had it on everything. So each day I try to do those things. Some days are harder than others. At least I'm trying.