I prayed so hard that  Friday would not come, my b day without you is so very hard, alice my counceller said you are here and I know you will be. I know what you will be saying to me to make me laugh, but my tears still fall, my heart still broken, we don't celebrate anything any more without you, its just so hard to not hear you say  you love me, to say mom, I know in my heart you are here helping me, please help me get through tomorrow, and help  me to feel you here.  always and forever…

most of the time it hurts to breathe, to go on without my son. where do all my tears come from, I cry so much, I hurt so bad. I beg and beg you to take me to my son, but im left here to suffer so bad so much. I know in my heart ill be with  you soon, im so lonely without my shawn.  so very very broken,

So  its been 6 weeks and 1 day since my world fell apart , my partner of 20 years just died , I sat and held his hand as he slipped away from me , he was 42 years old , as I'm sitting here writing this im looking at our 9 year old daughter whos face reminds me so much of her dad , I have to smile for her I have to be strong , but I know once shes a sleep I will allow my tears to fall , like they have every night since , well not really for the first week as I realise I went into shock and…

my counsellers told me to write letters to the people that hurt me and my son, today one called, she was not here for me when shawn went away, she was like a sister to me an aunt to my son. im s haking so bad im so mad. to say she never knew, I know was a lie. to hear her voice I wanted to slap her face. I told her in the letter not to call me, I just had to let things out in my letter. I can hear shawn saying mom stay away from her, don't let her hurt you again. I have not been this mad in…

I'm done.  I can no longer come here and look at all the spam.  I may try to check back in a few days as I just left a message for Diana but this is useless. I'm not sure what next but I cant take this. 

My name is Alexis Zarycki and I want to share with you all some news. In February of 2015 I lost my mother at the age of 21 years old to a three year battle of stomach cancer.

My mother was well-liked within our community, among both family and friends. She was only 51 years old when she…

It feels as though depression is starting to make it's way in. The last 2+ weeks I feel my physical body taking some toll from this hell. I'm so lethargic, excessively tired all the time, so little motivation, a drastically reduced ability to handle every day life. Isolation has gone up a notch to almost completely of anyone "normal". Time is still frozen, a stopped standstill. The constant stretching I've felt from the beginning as life mercilessly continues on has turned to a slow…

The amount of things I'm grieving feel numerous:

I'm grieving the loss of the physical presence and connection of someone who was my entire world and in every moment of my day. I have had 4 main experiences I cannot logic away and given that indeed was his spirit presence, he is still with me. But of course I would much rather just have him physically here like it was before.

I'm grieving the loss being completely sudden and shocking. How can you explain loss…

everyday I ask god the same questions over and over.  when will my tears stop? when will I smile again? when will the pain go away? when will my heart stop hurting so bad?  when will you let me hold my son again, see his smile, hear his beautiful voice?  and over and over again I get  NO  answer,  why are we left to suffer so bad, when he knows im ready to go to. does my son hear me crying everyday? does he know im dieing without him? I cant remember not being in pain any more, it just hurts…

I find myself running to the phone when it rings, hoping its shawn, telling me hes coming home,  he loves me.  when I pick it up most of the time they don't talk, just breathe.  I wish with all my heart it was my son.  why do people do this, every dam day we get it.  I miss him so much,   I feel so dead inside. without shawn theres nothing to live for, nor do I want to any more.

95 days now far too many have passed.Soon it will be the big guys birthday and you won't be here for it ether .Mom, how will I get through life without you right next to me.I miss you I miss you oh if I could bring you back I would.

The blue jays are doing good. I brought your bread pan up and look forward to at least using it one time before retiring it! I think I will wait thou until fall to do that.I will go and buy a nice bottle of wine break out your old recipe books and…

It's the first week of August and I'm already worried about how to get my babies... and myself through the holidays. What will Santa's response be when my daughters only wish is that her daddy never died?

today is 21 months, there are times when it feels like 10 years ago but most of the time its like yesterday. today is worse , as im sitting here crying my eyes out again, im begging shawn, god and my mom to not let me forget my sons voice, oh god im so afraid ill forget it. I beg god to take me now, please please help me, shawn take me home, take away my pain please. I miss you so bad and love you so very much. I don't want to be alone anymore, I want my baby, I want to die. god help me  …

I miss you more and more everyday, my broken heart bleeds each day. im trying so hard to understand, but its to hard, I try to smile when I think of you every min of the day but my tears  fall so fast. I know you are here watching over me , protecting me when we were robbed, holding me when I cry so hard and for so long, I still pray every night to go with you, hold you in my arms. there is no life without you, theres no love left in my heart, just emptiness, im one day closer to you but not…

It's my birthday today but I don't want it to be .My Mom has been without me by her side since May the 9th ,2015.I am so broken inside. People around me have know idea how close I have come to being in her arms again.The thought enters my mind at least a few times a day.

I miss her so much ,I want to hug her ,to talk to her, be with her .Oh dear God it's so hard getting through a day.Now today has come and I know what my mom would say oh my baby girl is how old ~ say it is not…

Never blogged before so please excuse me if I do not do it correctly.

Getting close to the 1 year anniversary of my Moms death and I feel like I am at the worst amusement park and an even worse roller coaster.  I am angry at her for not taking care of herself.  I am angry at myself for not paying close attention to her.  I am angry at the doctors.  I am angry that it still hurts just the same as it did on August 22, 2014.

The pain is so excruciating that I often…

So in the last 9 days I've had times of feeling the raw, suicidal pain resurface. I have my theory as to what caused it but I will spare that detail as something more important needs expressed.

The feelings of this pain is dark. So very, very dark that I'm not sure how to even describe it. Best I can come up with to my dissatisfaction: It's night time and overcast. No street lights, no headlights, not even a moon to be seen anywhere. It's pure, bleak, dismal, thick, dense, no sense of…

Another word press blog

http://deeincollingo.com/

These are my confessions or should I clarify by admitting the only confessions I am willing to share.  These confessions will not be pretty or inspiring so if you have stumbled upon this post looking for hope, you may be wise to stop here.

There has not been one life lesson on the other side of Devastation Day which I personally wanted to learn.  The sudden death of my child has not…

Thought I would share this blog post from a Word Press site:

 https://workinggrief.wordpress.com/

The last several days have been hard, harder than the months before.  I don’t know why.  I just know that my mind is racing constantly with what should be, what I want to be, and with overwhelming pain.   When I realized that in a couple of months it will be 2 years since Melinda’s death, I nearly lost my mind.   How is that fucking…