So  its been 6 weeks and 1 day since my world fell apart , my partner of 20 years just died , I sat and held his hand as he slipped away from me , he was 42 years old , as I'm sitting here writing this im looking at our 9 year old daughter whos face reminds me so much of her dad , I have to smile for her I have to be strong , but I know once shes a sleep I will allow my tears to fall , like they have every night since , well not really for the first week as I realise I went into shock and some kind off denial , I guess im still in denial now as I expect Andy to walk for the door any minute , I feel like that all day like the door will just open and he will be there and tell me its all been a big mistake and that hes alive and well , but if im truly honest I wonder if I do still beleive this or is it that I just want to believe , I mean I have his ashes right in front of me in the wooden box that took me ages to choose. , my story is slightly different to many people as I did not attend his funeral as myself and his family fell out bigtime after his death, his mother and sister went on holiday the night off his death and I will never forgive them for that ever , anyway long story short they demanded they sort out the funeral but didnt tell me or his his children when it was , we found out via social media , I had to go round to his mothers and demand his ashes , the police were called on me , but a week later I finally had his ashes, but its so hard because I dont think me or my children hqve had any sort of closure , my friends have been so supportive of me , but I swear im sick off people asking if im all right , NO im bloody not , how can I be how can I ever be , Andy was my best freind he knew everything about me I could tell him everything and he was always on my side , and ive had that just ripped away from me like we were nothing as if he was nothing , but he something he was the man I love, a great father , he worked hard and gave me anything I asked for , he was a good man but not good enough apparently to beable to live and see his kids grow up , im so angry , I feel like I hate everyone even people who are nice to me. Do you know what else im angry at ive not sensed him near me once , I havent smelt him , ive read some posts on here off people that have all of those things , im so jealous id love a sign anything just to tell me he's still in some way here with me but I feel heartbroken that this hasnt happened I feel like maybe he didnt love me enough because if he could see how devastated I am wouldnt try to give me something , I guess you could say im kinda mad at him, can he not see me crying all night listening to the saddest songs I can find , my friends tell me to stop torturing myself but how can they ever begin to understand , I miss him so much I would do anything to have him back anything , I love him its as simple as that I love him xx