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I find myself running to the phone when it rings, hoping its shawn, telling me hes coming home, he loves me. when I pick it up most of the time they don't talk, just breathe. I wish with all my heart it was my son. why do people do this, every dam day we get it. I miss him so much, I feel so dead inside. without shawn theres nothing to live for, nor do I want to any more.
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It is so very difficult...I say to myself everyday "This is not my life"...some moments are still very raw...my son and I were very close...I do not desire long life either but will not make any efforts otherwise...the only thing better about yesterday is that I am one day closer to him...we had many deaths after his in a row...I can say that deathbed visions are real...until my release from here, I will always have my "bags" packed and ready, always waiting for him to come back...perhaps he will bring my infant son too....
Hugs.
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