It feels as though depression is starting to make it's way in. The last 2+ weeks I feel my physical body taking some toll from this hell. I'm so lethargic, excessively tired all the time, so little motivation, a drastically reduced ability to handle every day life. Isolation has gone up a notch to almost completely of anyone "normal". Time is still frozen, a stopped standstill. The constant stretching I've felt from the beginning as life mercilessly continues on has turned to a slow drowning. Before it was getting any sense of my feet under me. Now I feel like I can't even breathe. I haven't been feeling well at all. WHY WON'T TIME JUST STOP. I DON'T WANT THE NEXT THING OF HAPPENINGS. The discord with what I feel in my inner world and the mirage of the outer world is becoming severe. 

Aug 6th was my last day for the summer job. I was so fizzled out it, I seriously had nothing left. For the month prior, the end date kept being changed and our job duties kept switching around. That was too much change I had little control of.

Aug 9th was the bereavement group. I have felt a sliver more of reality sinking in during the last month but not sure one can be prepared for the reality hit that comes with going to a group. Disbelief still that this is your life, the anger this is your life, disorientation of it all ... I went to this group twice now but will not continue attending. Although the emotional aftermath was such turmoil almost taking me completely out physically, I did get a few good things out of it. But majority of it is Christian based which just clutters and stirs the pot and reasons I walked away from organized religion 11 years ago. No tolerance for that. Through my counselor I found a completely different type of group starting next month i will try and sounds much more suited for me.

I wish I wasn't going to a bereavement group. I hate the cold fact this is my life. There are things you do to commemorate a life when they're passed you may also do when their alive but this is one thing that does not work that way. Why Gary. Why the hell did you have to go ... ?? Life was NOT supposed to be this way. We had too much left UNFINISHED. 

Aug 10th was the 5 month mark of that horrific day that changed everything.

So the last 2 weeks have been a blur. I know I've been sleeping a lot. Just accomplishing one thing in my day feels like massive work. And now Monday is the next thing, fall college classes. I don't feel ready for this.

I don't know how I'm going to do this.