Hi, my name is Chloe and this is the first time I have attempted to get any type of grief counseling since I lost my husband of 20 yrs and my mother very unexpectedly in 2009.  I have tried several different ways to move on but I just do not seem able to do that.  Their deaths seems like it was just yesterday to me and each day when I wake up I must remind myself that all this is really real and not just a bad dream.  However, I do fight sleep a lot because I have such horrific dreams. …

No matter what I love you. There isn't a minute that you are not in my heart and all around me. No matter what I love you. Everyone keeps telling me I have to try and move on. No matter what I love you. People tell me to stop crying because you wouldn't want me to be this sad. No matter what I love you. They all mean well I know and when/if the day comes and I do move on I am sure some will judge me for my actions. No matter what I love you. Please don't be mad at me for trying to heal. No…

The first time we met - face to face was 12 years ago this past Sunday. So in  honor of that day I took the first trip to the cemetary to lay a blanket of pine boughs on your grave.

I drove the entire 5.5 hours talking to you, singing to you, crying for you. It took me a little time to find your grave since there is only a very small 3x1 marker with some numbers. A stone can't be placed till the Spring. But I found it under a shade of beautiful birch tree. Took a blanket so I could…

I have not been looking forward to weekends for a while now.  they don't mean as much to me any more.  This weekend though my big sister was coming down and that should have made me feel better, but when she called and said she was on her way and we were going to go Christmas shopping my heart started racing.  I had an anxiety attack that got so bad I had to lay down and put a cold wash cloth on my head.  I did not want to disappoint her, but that was the worst feeling in the world.  I could…

Anthony,

 When we had these talks about what happened if one of us died, those were for my knowledge....I am the sick one. I told you, I told you, I told you, I can't do this without you. When I found your lifeless body in your car, I wanted to die! What happened? I keep kicking myself in the ass for giving you space and just going inside.....I should have brought you in with me. I should have came out sooner.....I should have.........something! I know you hate seeing me in pain but…

Dear Michael,

Are you watching me? Then you know that yesterday after I came out of church there was a message from Cheryle that she wanted to take me to lunch and out shopping. I returned her call and we agreed on 11am. I made some phone calls but didn't get far. Seems every step I take regarding the businesses I get pushed back double. You know how rough this week was, there is no money coming in, only money going out. I feel like I am drowning in all the legalities and…

The weekends don't seem to mean much any more.  I spend them at home with my kids, when they are not busy.  This morning was really hard,  I woke up in tears again because I was facing his side of the bed and he was not there.  I use to get up before him and fix the coffee and wait until I heard the bedroom door open, watch him walk down the hall and say "good morning baby, do you want some coffee".  I still wait here to hear that door open and watch him walking down the hall with that smile…