Anthony,

 When we had these talks about what happened if one of us died, those were for my knowledge....I am the sick one. I told you, I told you, I told you, I can't do this without you. When I found your lifeless body in your car, I wanted to die! What happened? I keep kicking myself in the ass for giving you space and just going inside.....I should have brought you in with me. I should have came out sooner.....I should have.........something! I know you hate seeing me in pain but you were my comfort, my friend, the one I could always rely on to be there for me. Now what? Im all alone! Despite how your family knows how much you wanted them to accept me, everyone but your grandparents blame me. All your friends except for Mike have ditched me. I still don't want to believe this is happening. You were the man that gave women hope that there are good guys out there.

 I am honoured to have known you for 7 years, been in love with you for 6 years and to be your everything for 5 years. You still are my everything. And as I have told you everytime I say Love you......I love you my soulmate, always have, always will. I am also honoured to be your first EVERYTHING. Unless people saw us together all the time, they couldnt understand our love for each other. I remember the first time we kissed. We went to the Gandy Bridge Beach with you truck. I had my head resting in your lap just talking to you and you told me you loved me. I said, "Prove it" (Knowing what you would do next). You leaned as far as you could forward to kiss me....I met you 1/2 way. And I have never forgotten that kiss or any one after that. Remember that 15 page love letter I wrote you confessing my love for you? Or even the little notes I would leave for you in your car so you had something to read once you got to work? 

All this is starting to hit Lucius. He misses his daddy. Both of us sleep with one of your dirty shirts so we can smell you. I have that one picture you sent me from work, The one of you with the pouty face because we both said we missed each other, right next to the bed. I can't believe I will never feel that embrace, have cuddletime, kiss that back every night before we goto sleep, or even just sit there and listen to your day while watching Youtube videos from Roosterteeth in the car. I still find myself about to put your shorts n a towel in the bathroom for you for when you would get off of work. Im trying to stay strong for the kids but this is hard all alone. Too hard. Im not going to go into what your funeral was like but all I can say is you would be pissed at the way a lot of people treated me (ignored me). Eh, I knew it was going to be like that anyways...The part of your family that didn't see our love for each other has always hated me but you were the one thing keeping their mouths closed. Now you are gone, everyone blames me. I blame me.......I should've had you come inside with me.....I just didnt want you to get mad. Ive always wanted you happy. I love that smile.

Bottom line. Im dead inside. My soulmate, my heart, my kids dad, my best friend, my lover, my strength, my life, my caregiver, and my provider all left in a blink of an eye. Im not going to kill myself my love, I want to be in heaven with you, not hell but Ive lost the will. I just don't care anymore. Part of me is hoping the world ends this month. Remember, you had my heart and I have yours so my heart died that night.

I love you my world, always have, always will....now and forever,

Your Soulmate, Lori