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The weekends don't seem to mean much any more. I spend them at home with my kids, when they are not busy. This morning was really hard, I woke up in tears again because I was facing his side of the bed and he was not there. I use to get up before him and fix the coffee and wait until I heard the bedroom door open, watch him walk down the hall and say "good morning baby, do you want some coffee". I still wait here to hear that door open and watch him walking down the hall with that smile on his face. That smile that I will never see again. I just don't know what to do. I feel frozen in time, waiting....
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Weekends are so very hard because during the week while at work, you have things to distract you. Weekends are full of memories and thoughts of what if's and what am I going to do now. The kids distract but that only goes so far. Time is frozen and crying is daily at the weirdest things. Like tonight I brought the kids to the mall and on my way home, I silently cried listening to the Christmas tunes. The kids did not notice but tears were flowing silently...
Kelly I feel your pain. I really do. I am sorry it hursts.
I was thinking the other day of what our routine would be. He worked so hard that I would let him sleep and I would get up and start the coffee. He loved his oatmeal and I would bring it up to him in bed. Turn on the news and we'd sit there and talk. Sometimes we'd make love and lounge around. Some days we'd take the dog for a hike in the nearby mountains.
He had a sick sense of humor and we would laugh and laugh. I do not know how to move on from all of this. I know that sense of feeling frozen. The waiting. But what are we waiting for? To wake up from this nightmare? To die ourselves? Or is it the waiting for another thing to be taken from us?
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