At the end of the month it will be a year since you past. I am stronger and yet often I find myself on the edge of a cliff. There are still loose ends to tie up with the financial end of things. It's a shame so much energy has gone to that part of your life/death when all I wanted to do was grieve. I told you that would be that way - you made it so there wasn't anytime to grieve. I was and in many ways still in survival mode. You didn't want to have a will - you didn't want to make decisions…

Michael, you loved Christmas and decorating and shopping and cooking. I know you'd be mighty disappointed in me that there isn't one anything that resembles Christmas. There is hardly any food in the house. Not one card has been mailed out. My heart just about bursts when I hear a carol or see the lights of our neighbors.

You're supposed to be here - we were supposed to be doing Christmas big this year! But you're in Heaven now and I can imagine the celebration that must be going to…

Doing something I shouldn't be doing - going back and reading my journals from years ago. Unhappy years that were very painful for me. There were so many times I wanted to leave you and never look back. Just this time last year I had found about "her" and I wanted to leave but realized that I wanted it to work more than I wanted to leave. I loved you and wanted us.

We were not the love story you promised me. In my insecure head I thought it was something I was or was not doing. So I…

No matter what I love you. There isn't a minute that you are not in my heart and all around me. No matter what I love you. Everyone keeps telling me I have to try and move on. No matter what I love you. People tell me to stop crying because you wouldn't want me to be this sad. No matter what I love you. They all mean well I know and when/if the day comes and I do move on I am sure some will judge me for my actions. No matter what I love you. Please don't be mad at me for trying to heal. No…