Doing something I shouldn't be doing - going back and reading my journals from years ago. Unhappy years that were very painful for me. There were so many times I wanted to leave you and never look back. Just this time last year I had found about "her" and I wanted to leave but realized that I wanted it to work more than I wanted to leave. I loved you and wanted us.

We were not the love story you promised me. In my insecure head I thought it was something I was or was not doing. So I threw myself into finding a way to get your love. Worked harder for you - tried being the ideal woman, mother, companion - and yet I always felt I came up short. You had indiscresions and you allowed me to feel doubt. I wanted to be with you because I thought since  you were older (11 years) and had been around the block  you wouldn't hurt me. Thought I could trust but you didn't give me many reasons too.

Your business was getting off the ground and I found that if I worked hard for you it got your attention. So I threw myself into it and it only made you take me for granted. I worked 18-20 hour days at times. Did hard manual labor, for what? To prove to you I was a team player? You should have known me. But I don't think you ever saw me.

The last 8 months you seemed to have a change of heart and I saw and felt love from you. After 12 years I got 8 months of feeling loved. Better late than never.

I walk around now with this empty hole in the middle of my chest. Grieving for a man that may or may not have loved me. Don't think I'll ever know for sure.