The Christmas holiday has come and gone, but it was just not the same.  Nobody wanted to say anything because no one wanted to start the crying, but everyone knew it.  We always have everyone over to spend Christmas eve with my husbands parents, then they stay the night and spend Christmas day with us.  It was not until my father in law was talking to my brother in law on the phone that the crying started.  I was trying my hardest not to ruin the holidays for everyone, but he was right,…

I go to bed at night knowing that I am going to bed alone.  But when I wake up for just a split second I think I can turn over and see his face laying next to me.  I wake up crying alot, but I know I have to let the tears come when they want to.  We were so involved in every aspect of each other's lives.  We woke up together, went to work together, worked together, came home together....Very few days were we apart.  I really don't know how to just be "Kelly" after being "Anthony and Kelly"…

I have not been looking forward to weekends for a while now.  they don't mean as much to me any more.  This weekend though my big sister was coming down and that should have made me feel better, but when she called and said she was on her way and we were going to go Christmas shopping my heart started racing.  I had an anxiety attack that got so bad I had to lay down and put a cold wash cloth on my head.  I did not want to disappoint her, but that was the worst feeling in the world.  I could…

The weekends don't seem to mean much any more.  I spend them at home with my kids, when they are not busy.  This morning was really hard,  I woke up in tears again because I was facing his side of the bed and he was not there.  I use to get up before him and fix the coffee and wait until I heard the bedroom door open, watch him walk down the hall and say "good morning baby, do you want some coffee".  I still wait here to hear that door open and watch him walking down the hall with that smile…