The first time we met - face to face was 12 years ago this past Sunday. So in  honor of that day I took the first trip to the cemetary to lay a blanket of pine boughs on your grave.

I drove the entire 5.5 hours talking to you, singing to you, crying for you. It took me a little time to find your grave since there is only a very small 3x1 marker with some numbers. A stone can't be placed till the Spring. But I found it under a shade of beautiful birch tree. Took a blanket so I could sit there with you and read the love letters we shared in the very beginning of our courtship. I cried, but managed to not wail since there were other people around.

Afterwards, I stopped by your Aunt and Uncle's house. I don't have to tell you how lovely they are. Your Aunt insisted I stay for dinner. I want to be just like them when I grow up! They miss you Michael and loved you so much. So happy that I went. To be close to other people that loved you and genuinely cared about you was comforting to me.

Not sure when I will get back there, puts so many miles on the truck and I can't afford to replace it right now. Your family invited me for Christmas dinner and I am considering it if I can find a way to rent a vehicle and maybe stay overnight somewhere. There were places I wanted to go while I was there. Places you had taken me. Things that we ate. Silly maybe but it makes me feel closer to  you somehow.

The drive back home wasn't as long but it was late and the realization that if something happened on the road that I was alone. That I am alone now. I am alone. Alone.