5/15/15: I went to bed. I missed Nick so much. A friend of mine wanted to go out but I just couldn't that day. It was a Friday night. I dint have it in me. So I put on Nicks shirt and grabbed his sheet that his sister gave him when he was 18. I didn't cover myself up with it and just held it and I fell asleep.

Then I had the most amazing dream I have ever had. The hills were so beautiful and green. It was crowded with people. I was walking along when I saw Nick. He was talking to a…

First forgive if I repeat myself,  my son's been gone 3 months, I feel like I'm  In the twilight zone. Everything foggy. My son struggled with addiction for years. We tried everything, doctors, inpatient, out patient. Then we began thinking HE HAS TO WANT IT OR it won't work. Finally it seemed he wanted it, he was in jail for a vop  and found a spiritually based program, that you pd 169 per week. He got out of jail they picked him up, he got saved, drove Pastor s crazy with questions.  But…

First forgive if I repeat myself,  my son's been gone 3 months, I feel like I'm  In the twilight zone. Everything foggy. My son struggled with addiction for years. We tried everything, doctors, inpatient, out patient. Then we began thinking HE HAS TO WANT IT OR it won't work. Finally it seemed he wanted it, he was in jail for a vop  and found a spiritually based program, that you pd 169 per week. He got out of jail they picked him up, he got saved, drove Pastor s crazy with questions.  But…

I have not written anything in three days.  My world has not improved in that time. Cheryl is still gone and my heart remains empty.  The world continues to turn, yet for me time remains frozen on 13 March, I can not disengaged from the events of that night.  

The last time I wrote here was 3 days ago. At that time I had a couple of physically good days.  I have had back issues flare up since this began and a least they were diminishing at that time.  Since then they have come…

This past Friday (the 15th of May) was the worst day of my life since February 26, 2015- the day I watched my husband stop breathing in our driveway as the EMTs were trying to get him into the ambulance.  I can still remember everything that happened that day and every image of him turning gray is painfully engraved in my mind.  But last Friday is the day that I have been dreading since that day.  I was downstairs after having to punish our 5 year old son and could hear him crying…

I lost my husband almost 3 month's ago. i miss him so much. it has been so hard and lonely. we had custody of our 3 grandchildren. they miss him so much too

It has been 42 days since my Terry died Monday, April 6th.

We have already gone through his first Birthday, and the first Mother's Day.

Coming up is the first Father's day and our daughter's first birthday without her Dad, and my first birthday without my Booger, and then what would be our 40th Wedding Anniversary.

I am 60 years old. I met Terry when I was 18. I am too stinkin old to be "starting over".

I went to Church this morning, once again, alone....like…

When my husband passed away, a lot of people would say he was taken too soon since he was 39 at the time of his death.  All I could think was he wasn't taken, he was stolen. Stolen from me and our son. Stolen from his family and friends. Just plain stolen from the world.  He was definitely my other half. That one person that would love me and be by my side forever. And I thought we'd have forever when we said I do.  Little did I know that forever for us would only be 8 short years.  8 short,…

Yesterday I was alone at home, my son had gone over to a friends house.  I did not want to remain there alone so I decided to go visit my mother.  My mother is 88 years old, has severe dementia, can no longer walk, and she is nearly blind.  She has been in a nursing home for the last 7 years.

When I visit my mother now, the best I can hope for is a moment or two of cognition, when she behaves in a way where she seems to understand what I am saying.  Even then she…

It has been 3 months and 6 days since my fiance Norman passed away. I feel like I am living in a nightmare that I can not wake up from. I feel like it was just yesterday that I saw him for the very last time. There are days that I still can't believe he is gone. I cry every single day. I just wish this pain of losing him would go away. 

I hate when people ask are you ok? I just want to scream no I am not ok! How would you feel if you lost your best friend, your soul mate, the…

In the immediate aftermath of Cheryl passing, I was calling family and friends to let them know what happened and what the funeral plans were.  My son heard me during these conversations and at some point said, "I wonder if I should call Randy?"  I did not know anyone named Randy, so I asked him who Randy was, he told me he was, "a friend from the bar".

So I immediately started trying to learn more about Randy.  I had looked previously at my wife's cell phone trying to figure…

Every morning I wake up and very briefly before the fog clears, I expect to be in my old life.  Cheryl with me or at least I hear her up doing something in the house.  But then quickly the soul crushing realization of what has happened hits me.  It wasn't a bad dream, but my life has become the bad dream.  And there is no magic wand to fix it.

I wonder if the pain varies depending on your personality or role you played in the relationship.  For so many problems over the years…

I can relate completely to every step in your day as if it were yesterday, its been almost 2 years now for me and I can say that I still go through many of the things as before, just as you describe them, but not as much and as frequently.  I still see a counselor but infrequently, I lay around in bed but less often, and I do sleep through the night most often and only wake up once in a while at 4.  I prefer to sleep because I often dream about my wife and i prefer that over being awake.  Im…

It is 8:30 am now.  I still have not returned to work, due to back problems.  The damn birds are singing outside my window and it is another awful sunny spring day.  

It's been 2 months and a day since that terrible night when my wife died and my thoughts dwell continually on it. 

Here's how my days typically have gone in the last 2 months.  

--I wake early usually after 4 or 5 hours of restless sleep, I open my eyes and perhaps have 15 seconds…

As spring has progressed more songbirds return to my part of the country.  And for the past two weeks a few of them have chosen to perch outside my bedroom window and sing as the sun rises.   And when I see them they are rejuvenated.  They have molted into bright colored plumage.   In past years I don't recall being very bothered by them and if I heard them I would just roll over and go back to sleep.   But they seem so obtrusive now, their songs and bright colors represent life returning…

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” ― Mitch Albom

I got tired of just using the date as the title of my blog posts, so I am spicing it up.  

I have been trying to do more during the days.  Keeping busy, attempting to ignore my situation, it did help some today.  No major meltdowns, even when doing some unpleasant things.

I started the day by running to the post office.  Today I received the paperwork to file the life insurance claim for my wife.  I always had significant insurance on myself and a lot less for…

 After getting out of bed I did not feel awful, but when I got in my car to see my therapist, the short drive aggravated my back again.  And the combination of the back problems combined with the grief causes the anxiety to really ratchet up.  It was pretty bad several times today and this evening.  It has only started to decrease in the last 30 minutes.  Finally feeling some calm.  

Not feeling very verbose right now.

I hope everyone had a better day than…