As spring has progressed more songbirds return to my part of the country.  And for the past two weeks a few of them have chosen to perch outside my bedroom window and sing as the sun rises.   And when I see them they are rejuvenated.  They have molted into bright colored plumage.   In past years I don't recall being very bothered by them and if I heard them I would just roll over and go back to sleep.   But they seem so obtrusive now, their songs and bright colors represent life returning after a harsh winter.  Yet the dark cold winter continues unabated in my mind.  They mock me.  I used to cherish this time of year.  Now, the things that I used to enjoy the most in the past bring the greatest pain in the present.

It's morning now and they continue to be very difficult.  I fear what each new day brings.  Yesterday in another blow to my psyche, I talked to a fellow coworker who had a similar issue with his back and he told me he was off for 5 months.  Most people would not be freaked out by 5 months off with pay.  But I need to have a sense of normalcy in my life, and not working with too much alone time sounds awful.  

I read the stories of so many here.  Whose loved ones  fought to the last moment for more time on this Earth to be with them.  Defying death as long as possible for just a few more moments together.  Yet, I lay here in bed, so alone, deprived of my love by a foolish choice she made while inebriated.  I don't how to make peace with this.