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*                             Alone in the prison of…

This morning I tried scream therapy.  I went out into my detached garage before my son woke and let out everything.  I thought it might help, it didn't. 

I spoke with my sister on the phone for about an hour and a half, that usually helps, but not today.

Went for a long walk with my son in the park, under blue skies, felt a little less bad.  I guess that's something.

Took my son to a bakery we both like and bought few cookies took them to…

I slept almost 8 hours last night, that's the most since my wife died.  I just used the word "died" I have been avoiding it, instead usually choosing something else.  I guess other words don't define the finality of the event in my mind as much as the word "died".  

Last night for several hours, I did not feel too bad and attributed it to letting everything out in my car.  That may not have been the cause.  The second doctor I saw gave me some "Lyrica" to help with the…

It has been a day.  The morning was very difficult. I woke up to once again face the reality of my wife being gone but also have had leg numbness and pain of various levels for last 2 months. 

Long story short saw 2 doctors today both recommended I see a neurosurgeon.  That has scared me. Along with triggering how much I missed my wife, she was a nurse so I always had a trusted medical professional to rely on.  I now wonder what next?

After leaving the second…

Oh shit, another day in this horrible reality.

My therapist says I have complicated grief.  Here's  one of the reasons.  Since my wife died my son has told me many disturbing things.  My son is 19 and mentally challenged.

He confessed to me that for close to the last 2 years my wife has been drinking.  Not only drinking but allowing my son to drink with her.  And it progressed, it started with beer, then smoking cigarettes and cigars, then adding hard liqueur,  and most recently they started smoking marijuana.…

So yesterday I got my wifes toxicology report and it confirmed my suspicions.  Based on the level of oxymorphone/Opana in her blood she was probably beyond being saved.  Last night I thought about it and guilt for mistaking her for being drunk and nothing else has subsided (at least for now ).  However it has been replaced in my head with conversations I wish I had had that night with her.  The "what if" game as I call it, would a single word have changed the outcome?  I get stuck in looping…

My wife passed away on March 13.  

We met on December 3, 1983.  She was my true love.  I feel all of the emotions described by many others on this site.  I think the worst is the deep, engulfing loneliness and feelings of abandonment.  

The first 20 years of our marriage although not perfect were wonderful.  I wanted her with me every minute.  I travel with my job and no matter where I was in the world it all seemed to be in black and white, she truly did,…