So yesterday I got my wifes toxicology report and it confirmed my suspicions.  Based on the level of oxymorphone/Opana in her blood she was probably beyond being saved.  Last night I thought about it and guilt for mistaking her for being drunk and nothing else has subsided (at least for now ).  However it has been replaced in my head with conversations I wish I had had that night with her.  The "what if" game as I call it, would a single word have changed the outcome?  I get stuck in looping what if's.  What if I had thanked her for not driving drunk, instead of telling her, "I don't want to talk now, we'll talk in the morning"

The logical side of me knows, I should not dwell in the, "what if's".  But my logical side has been in seclusion since March 13 and the emotional me is running wild.

I have to say just writing this has calmed me somewhat since I sat down.

My daily routines that were simple are now arduous.  I have to return to work in 2 days, looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.  The future only looks dark, but I know I have to go on for the sake of my son and myself.

I know time heals all wounds, I just wonder how much time?  My father died when I was 14 from lung cancer, it was not an easy death for him.  It hurt me deeply, but I got over it.  I can look back on it now objectively, there is a scar, it doesn't make me happy to think about it but it doesn't hurt.  In thinking of his passing, I seem to remember, being relatively Ok about a year later.  I would certainly settle for being relatively Ok now.  

How do others get through this?  Anyone out there having experienced something similar that is starting to feel better?  What have you done that helps?

I have to get through this, I will get through this, but so much pain.

Mark