Today I accepted help from a complete stranger. Whether or not she will help me I don't know, but i'm hoping so.I am amazed at how much fun christmas was this year. Not a tear was shed, but nobody talked about the boys either. I bought my little grandson a book from hallmark that you can record your voice reading the story. It was Frosty the Snowman. At the end of the book I recorded the song part that goes " thumpty, thump, thump, thumpty thump thump,look at frosty go. Thumpty… Continue

WHEW! The other days blog was pretty intense. Not sorry I wrote it though. I am so glad I had this site to get that out of me. When it gets that bad it's so much better to say it and get it out rather than keeping inside and making myself sick over it. I truly don't like feeling that way but sometimes I have no choice. It is a roller coaster ride and not a fun one. Those times are going to come and go and I know that all to well, but being allowed to write it out gives me the tool I need to…

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Christmas is just a week away and I am missing my boys more than I can say. I idd'nt get invited to any parties and no christmas bonus. No body calls , no cards were sent to me and no greetings from anyone.I understand I guess. Why would they want me around anyway. Sounds like I''m feeling sorry for myself. I guess I am. My mother yelled at me last night when I called her. She said nobody wants to be around me for fear of recking their holiday. Not too many people are allowed to see me cry.…

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Today I went shopping for the holiday and I came across some people I used to work with. They asked me how I was and before I could answer they answered for me. Why do people do that? So they think i'm going to bust out crying? Do they think that that's all I talk about?Don't they know that my life is defined by more than just my sorrow? I guess I dont understand. I have lots of times that I talk about other things. No one wants to just be my friend. Are they afraid that I will fall apart in…

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The christmas before my oldest son Ben went to serve in Iraq we went to the christmas eve candlelite service. I stopped going to church after my son Del died. My daughters sat behind me. It was beautiful with all the candles and the lites. I put hairspray on that night before church. Something I dont normally do. Anyway I was pretty sad sitting there listening to the music and then we stood and sang silent night. Suddenly I smelled something burning I turned around and it was my daughter she…

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I made it through another big BANG. I wasnt sure if I would make it this time. This time. It seems like i've been saying this time forever. It feels like I just get back on my feet and then BANG it hits again no big warning just a big BANG. How much longer can I survive the big BAngI'm not going to wake up thinking it was all a bad dream. So I have to accept it. I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of the pain and worst of all I'm sure my sons wouldnt want me to suffer this much. I am doing…

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I made it through the last two months, I wasn't sure I would. I was very scared. I made a plan but I didn't carry it out. I pray I never feel that bad again and if I do I pray for strenth to never carry it out. It's been years since I've felt this bad. So you see greif comes and go's. It's in and out like a rainy day. If I can just get through the rainy period I can make it, I can survive. You know how people say stupid things to those who have lost loved ones. Well a lady came up to me and… Continue