Today I accepted help from a complete stranger. Whether or not she will help me I don't know, but i'm hoping so.I am amazed at how much fun christmas was this year. Not a tear was shed, but nobody talked about the boys either. I bought my little grandson a book from hallmark that you can record your voice reading the story. It was Frosty the Snowman. At the end of the book I recorded the song part that goes " thumpty, thump, thump, thumpty thump thump,look at frosty go. Thumpty thump,thump,thumpty thump,thump, over the hills of snow." and at the end I said I love you Jaxon. When he heard that his eyes got really big and he looked at me and said" Gramma she loves me, she loves me gramma! I thought my heart would burst with joy. My husband helped me with everything getting ready for the holiday. I baked and I cooked and I rolled homemade pasta(i'm Italian so it's my labor of love once a year) I made homemade marinara that took 14 hours to cook. I just kept remembering how much the boys liked to roll pasta with me and how much fun we would have singing songs and dancing around the kitchen. So I decided that the boys would be unhappy if I didn;t do atleast some of the important holiday traditions. So I put my pitty pot away and I did the best I could to make this holiday one of the best. I don't think I couldve made it without be allowed to blog the darkness out of my system. I believe because I was allowed to blog here I got the chance to let the bad stuff out and release myself from the grip of depression. Today is a good day. I see things clearerer today. I guess I can really be a handful at times. I don't mean to be. As part of my job I have held many hands of the dying. People I didn't know well and those whom I loved dearly. I understood that.I accepted that. I must say I was even good at it.I had this beautiful little old lady she was 101 years old, and I was asked to stay with her while she died. Her only daughter was 84 years old and couldn't get to her so I sat with her and I brushed her hair and I told her I wanted to makae her beautiful for when she meets our Lord. She opened her eyes and looked at me and smiled, and then she died. It sounds crazy but it was one of the most beautiful times in my memory. Another time I promised my dear friend that I would hold her hand till the Lord came to get her, and I did. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I did It and I was proudd that I kept my promise to her. I miss her terribly but watching her suffer from cancer got me to thinking that I just wanted her to have peace and no more pain. I guess it's true. If you really love someone you have to love them enough to let them go, and I get that. I just don't get my young promising boy's to die. I don't get why they had to die so tradgically or why their bodies had to be so mutilated. I guess i'm not supposed to know. So I will plug along and I will keep goig, and I will do my best to be good so I can get to heaven when I leave this world. Thanks to all of you who are brave enough to read my blogs and reply. I will try to be as good to you as you have been to me, and guess what, I haven't been locked up in an institution in 4 years! Yeah! I do hope someday I can learn to be a functioning loving, laughing, and singing human being again. Good Night Moon!