WHEW! The other days blog was pretty intense. Not sorry I wrote it though. I am so glad I had this site to get that out of me. When it gets that bad it's so much better to say it and get it out rather than keeping inside and making myself sick over it. I truly don't like feeling that way but sometimes I have no choice. It is a roller coaster ride and not a fun one. Those times are going to come and go and I know that all to well, but being allowed to write it out gives me the tool I need to get things back in perspective. That day I felt everything I wrote plus, but writing it and reading it later eased my pain and released me from the nasty I felt inside. Sometimes when a person is in this club that nobody wants or chooses to belong to gets the best of me. When I go out people come up to me and cry and tell me their stories as if I have all the answers for it. They hug me and kiss me and cry all over me and I understand but there are times when I just can't take it and it builds and builds up inside me till I feel like I'm going to explode. I used to self medicate till I found this site. Now I write and put all those icky feelings in writing instead of trying to run away from it in my mind. I have not self medicated since I found this site. Thanks to all of you who have offered to help me. You really don't know how much it means to me to have others read my rantings and not judge or ridicule me. I can't say those things to anyone else. I can't express those terrible feelings anywhere else. I tried once in therapy and I got locked in a mental facility for 90 days. After that I stopped talking. because of this site I am now able to let it out without fear or repercussion. I believe because of you and this site my life has been saved. I know sometimes it doesn't sound like it in my writings but as long as I can write I'm pretty sure I'll be ok. I have been through so much that when I think about it all I can hardly believe I'm still here. Deep down I know that others have been through alot worse than me but that's hard to remember when the pain get's so bad. As for today my mind is alot clearer and my heart is much lighter thanks to being able to put my darkness into words. When others comment on the thngs I write I feel like my feelings have been validated ;and that I am not alone. I am not fussy, I will do whatever it takes to survive. I am a survivor, I am strong, and I am loved.