I didn't realize just how angry I still am until today. My husband and I went to breakfast this morning as we do every Sunday. I was watching his face and the his facial expression changed. I know when this happens he's thinking about something that's bothering him. As I always do I asked him what he was thinking. He said he was thinking about when the boys were still alive. We started talking about all the terrible things that happened after Lil Del died. Then it all came flashing back. I know things would've been different if others hadn't of interfered. So does he. I could feel the anger welling up in me. I thought I was going to explode. I've worked so hard to put what was done to me behind me and in an instant it all came flooding back. It's a good thing I have good self control or I could really lose my temper. I know it's wrong, but sometimes I want to hurt those who hurt me, and my family as bad, and as painful as what they did to us. No one should ever have to go through what me, and my family went through after my little boy died. Good grief my 12yr old boy was burned to death. What part of that gives anyone reason to treat me like I had a contagious disease? Everything that was the wrong thing to do was done, and more. All the things that will break a grieving mother down to nothing was done. I guess I'm still as angry as ever. I don't think it's something I will ever forget. Preachers are supposed to know how to deal with death hurt me the most. That's why I don't go to church any more. I don't trust any clergy at all. Everything I know about God, and what he can, and cannot do I've learned from parts of the bible, but mostly from my own heart, and through prayer. I don't like to be this angry, and usually I'm not, but when I see the pain in my husbands eyes it all comes rushing back. When my Ben died I made him a promise that I wouldn't let anyone, not nobody ever do to me, and my family what they did to us when his brother died. I have kept that promise. Maybe I hold on to that anger to protect us from all that misery? Well after writing this my blood pressure is finally gone down, and my heart is slowing. Oh the power of words! Thank you blog! Once again you have saved me from doing something stupid, and have spared me from a lot of wasted time!