today is hollween, my husband ask me to help him give out candy, I told him no. I just don't care any more. I would rather just turn the lights out and stay in bed. I feel im just to tired to care. I need shawn here, I miss him so bad, I still pray to die, and all I do is cry.  nothing matters anymore nothing.

 my  beautiful son shawn, soon nov 5 will be here and I just don't think I can take it. I want to see you, feel you and hold you forever. I want to hear your voice,  oh god I would give my life in a min to hear you say mom again.  im told im in a deep depression, pills pills pills and nothings helping. I beg you everyday to take me home with you,  please don't leave me here in hell alone empty, such a dark place to be in.  pain like I have never felt before each and everyday.  I miss you so…

 my beautiful son shawn, my health is getting worse, I had a lot of tests done out of town. I pray every night  ill be with you very soon. I stopped careing about everything but you.  I cry all the time, and I stay in my room a lot. im just waiting for you to take me home. please shawn I hurt so much I just cant take any more pain,  im ready baby take my hand. I love you always and forever and I miss you so much   love  mom

today my doctor and grieving counceiler both came today at the same time. 23 months today and all I can do is cry. I have a frozen shoulder and torn muscel in my arm. she also put me on more pills to help me sleep and deal with my depression, up to 9 now at night and 5 in the morning. I miss shawn so much, its just to hard and pain full to keep going on, day after day the pain is still there and nothng will ever help. thanks giving is sunday and I picked a few things up for shawn then I…

please god don't let nov 5 come, I cant go through another year, please stop my pain my tears and take me to my son.  my tears will never stop, my heart will never heal. and god im so very very lonely. shawn please  grab my hand baby im ready, I promise you im so very ready to go home with you. I hurt so bad, I have nothing left now. hear me shawn please hear me   I love you always and forever   mom