my counsellers told me to write letters to the people that hurt me and my son, today one called, she was not here for me when shawn went away, she was like a sister to me an aunt to my son. im s haking so bad im so mad. to say she never knew, I know was a lie. to hear her voice I wanted to slap her face. I told her in the letter not to call me, I just had to let things out in my letter. I can hear shawn saying mom stay away from her, don't let her hurt you again. I have not been this mad in…

everyday I ask god the same questions over and over.  when will my tears stop? when will I smile again? when will the pain go away? when will my heart stop hurting so bad?  when will you let me hold my son again, see his smile, hear his beautiful voice?  and over and over again I get  NO  answer,  why are we left to suffer so bad, when he knows im ready to go to. does my son hear me crying everyday? does he know im dieing without him? I cant remember not being in pain any more, it just hurts…

I find myself running to the phone when it rings, hoping its shawn, telling me hes coming home,  he loves me.  when I pick it up most of the time they don't talk, just breathe.  I wish with all my heart it was my son.  why do people do this, every dam day we get it.  I miss him so much,   I feel so dead inside. without shawn theres nothing to live for, nor do I want to any more.

today is 21 months, there are times when it feels like 10 years ago but most of the time its like yesterday. today is worse , as im sitting here crying my eyes out again, im begging shawn, god and my mom to not let me forget my sons voice, oh god im so afraid ill forget it. I beg god to take me now, please please help me, shawn take me home, take away my pain please. I miss you so bad and love you so very much. I don't want to be alone anymore, I want my baby, I want to die. god help me  …