how can I go on, how can I live without you? my beautiful son, the love of my life. I need you so much, I don't want to live with this unbearable pain any more, I cant go on without you in my life.  I pray every night you will come to me, and you don't. I pray to die and im still here. no one hears me , no one sees my pain. my empty heart.i keep asking you to come home, come back to me please shawn. without you I have nothing, I feel nothing. god please take me to my son, my baby. please…

every day it hurts more to breathe, my back is so bad, but the pain in my heart is worse. I could not go see shawn yesterday and felt so bad, I cryed so much. cant sleep any more, im lucky to get a hour. I feel empty, tired and lost. my prayers are not answered  to be with my son. I keep telling my self he will come home, back to me. if I think any different  ill go crazy. why is my baby not coming to my dreams,? why does he not take me to? god I need shawn, without him I have nothing, to…

every day it seems to get harder to go on. shawn would have hated this cold and snowy winter.every night I still ask why, why my son? why not me? and why is he leaving me here to suffer so much. life is not worth going on, and I really don't want to any more.  I want so much to hold my son, kiss his face . I have never bee so tired, never felt pain and emptiness like this before.  at night I can smell him, but still no dreams, no answers. I just want to die, im not afraid, im ready. shawn…

the snow is over my knees here , but nothing will stop me from seeing my son each and everyday, I clean the stone off, and cry whats left  of my heart out. I want so much to scream, why are you not coming to my dreams, why? I break down so much, I cant remember being happy any more, just emptiness, I feel nothing but pain. why wont he answer me, to take me to him,  im so tired I want to go, I want to hold my baby, to laugh to smile with my shawn. how much longer will he make me suffer?  why…

today my sister came by to drop off some cake, to celebrate shes cancer free, I could not say anything because I just stopped careing. I wish it was me, I wish I was dieing, that would make me happy, knowing I would see my shawn again. I could hold him so tight. I would hear  MOM again, the most beautiful word in the world , its so hard to breath, to sleep to go on. my tears still fall all the time, to feel so alone and to feel no one cares anymore.its just not worth going through life…