Well it's been a few weeks since I last wrote. It's not that I don't think about him, but I think I'm all cried out and everything I wanted to say was said I guess. However, that being said I am writing because this has been a difficult day for me, even more so tomorrow. Tomorrow would have been Eric's 40th birthday. The one he did not want to spend alone and was hoping to be here already with me.  I heard from his niece that they are going to go out and celebrate it next weekend. Wish I was…

Received Eric's stuff today in the mail that his sister had sent me. I must of known it would be here today. I felt nervous all morning and was thinking about it. Part of me was scared to open it because of the emotions that would come from seeing, touching smelling his stuff. I went through the book he was writing in to me. It was obvious how much he loved me, and how much he was looking forward to our future. This makes me so sad and frustrated. I don't think I will ever find anybody like…

Today was a bit of a bad day. Might have something to do with going back to my regular shift which means I worked alone and had time to think. So hard getting use to not checking my phone for messages from him. Im a bit upset because I feel like I need to talk to someone but I dont have anybody to talk to. Nobody on my side gets it, or understands what Eric and I had. So they think I am ok or that I shouldn't be upset. That I only knew him for 7 months and that I never met him in person.…

I don't think I have cried in 2 days. I guess it's really starting to sink in maybe. I still have moments where I want to cry but it just doesn't come anymore. I think I know now that he isn't coming back. The thought of living without him makes me sick still. Or I see something that reminds me of him makes me sick. Even that is getting easier. I have been going out and doing normal day things. I had to force myself because it is just me, and nobody understands why I feel the way I feel…

Today was probably a better day for the most part. Usually when Im home alone is when it hits me. It's so weird to not be able to turn on skype and see and talk to him. It still bothers me I have not really been on skype since. He got me to join skype and he was the only person I ever talked to on there. The sounds make me sick when I hear skype alerts and see his name and picture still there. I tried to call him one day, even though I knew he wouldn't be there. I think I am still in denial…

Sometimes I think Im ok, and then it hits me. Everything I ever wanted was in him. I try to think there will be someone else...that maybe I will feel better if I do, but it just makes me sick. He was so different then the rest. It use to be I dreamed of the things we would do together and talk about, the holidays we would share once we got together. Now those dreams are wasted and useless in dreaming.

He was one of a kind, selfless, loving, romantic, thoughtful, encouraging, good…

It was a month ago today I last spoke to him on skype. I still remember bits of our conversation. I hadn't seen him for a week. He was showing me how much weight he had lost and said that maybe this was the kick he needed to lose the weight. It had been 3 weeks that he couldn't keep anything down. He was becoming more lethargic. Doctors still didn't know what was wrong with him. He had blood tests done earlier in the week but they had made a mistake and he was due to have them redone again…