Today was a bit of a bad day. Might have something to do with going back to my regular shift which means I worked alone and had time to think. So hard getting use to not checking my phone for messages from him. Im a bit upset because I feel like I need to talk to someone but I dont have anybody to talk to. Nobody on my side gets it, or understands what Eric and I had. So they think I am ok or that I shouldn't be upset. That I only knew him for 7 months and that I never met him in person. Seems like I have known him forever. There was such a strong and deep connection we had that I never felt with anybody else. Eric in a way felt like family, and really was the only person I had. I could talk to him and he understood me. Didn't judge. Listened, Supported. I wish his family would talk to me more. I don't feel like bugging them. Some members haven't said peep to me on Facebook. Maybe it's a culture difference. Maybe they don't like me because they know about mine and Eric's relationship, or upset because I wasn't there for the service. Just so frustrating and makes me feel bad. They have each other and I don't have anybody...at all!

I feel confused and still wonder if I am doing the right thing with everything I do. I don't know what to do with myself. Everything seems like it takes me forever to do and I don't know what to do. I would rather just stay in bed but know I can't and that it won't change things.

I can see why people become hoarders after a death. The simplest things that a person touched makes you want to hold onto it. Or if something reminds you of that person, it is hard to throw out that item. For instance the shoe box and even the tissue paper that was used to send stuff back and forth was hard to throw out. Just knowing that he touched it, that it might still have remanence  of him on it. I did throw it out in the end, but man did I think about it a lot that day. I wonder if his sister had a hard time posting that parcel of his stuff for that reason.

Eric's birthday is coming up this month. It would have been his 40th. He was hoping he wouldn't have to spend it alone. I had wanted to be there for it even if I had to put myself in debt.