I don't think I have cried in 2 days. I guess it's really starting to sink in maybe. I still have moments where I want to cry but it just doesn't come anymore. I think I know now that he isn't coming back. The thought of living without him makes me sick still. Or I see something that reminds me of him makes me sick. Even that is getting easier. I have been going out and doing normal day things. I had to force myself because it is just me, and nobody understands why I feel the way I feel about him. Really what I want to do is just lay in bed. But I know I can't because at the same time I still don't know what to do with myself yet.

I enjoyed the last 2 weeks of work because I didn't work alone like I always do on my regular shift. Working with others has helped to keep my mind from thinking. I start back to my regular shift monday. I will be checking my phone for messages that will never come. I feel like throwing my phone away. Sometimes I tell myself that it wouldn't have worked out anyway, or that I didn't love him in hopes that it lessens the pain. Who am I to kid? It doesn't work and then I feel bad for thinking that way.

I truly believe he was my soulmate. I never felt bad about breaking up with others before, I guess I didn't love them. I know now that I was and am still in love with Eric.

His sister sent me the parcel of his stuff. I am waiting for it. Anxious but yet looking forward to it. I don't want it to make me sad, but I want it. Im scared to read in the book he had been writing in that he was going to send to me. How strange though, that she is sending me the shirt I wanted and I didn't even ask for it. They said they were going to send me something I could cuddle to. I had been thinking of his England Rugby shirt but didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to be too pushy. Here they are sending it to me anyway. Is this the doing of Eric's spirit I wonder?

I still say everyday, at times "I don't believe it, I don't believe he's gone". 

Last night I brought my camcorder out and I got 3 orbs without even expecting it. I had been trying for months even before he passed to get some on cam. ( I had got them on cam a few years ago after a friend died). I wondered if it was him. I tried again tonight but didn't get anything. Wish I could figure out how to upload them on here I would.

I really don't see where my life is heading now. It just seems stuck. The therapist thinks I should be medicated. I am so confused I don't know what the right thing is to do anymore. In fact I really don't care. When I had Eric I had everything. I didn't care what way life was going, as long as I had him I was going somewhere, we were going somewhere and thats all that mattered.