Today was probably a better day for the most part. Usually when Im home alone is when it hits me. It's so weird to not be able to turn on skype and see and talk to him. It still bothers me I have not really been on skype since. He got me to join skype and he was the only person I ever talked to on there. The sounds make me sick when I hear skype alerts and see his name and picture still there. I tried to call him one day, even though I knew he wouldn't be there. I think I am still in denial on and off.

The only thing that keeps my mind off of him long enough is school work. Working and probably because I work alone makes me think of him all the time. I always looked forward to getting his texts and messages on my phone while I was at work every night. It is so weird to not have a message from him. I still check my phone, hoping that this is all a nightmare.

I received an email from his room mate Mark today. I haven't really heard much from his family since the funeral. I hope they are not upset with me. Maybe they are just to upset to be online. I just feel so alone and out of the loop. I have no support really.  In Mark's email, he sent me Eric's Celebration of Eric's Life and Memories from his service. I laughed, and I cried. I also felt angry because I wanted to be a part of his life because he was everything I wanted. I loved reading about him and wish that I could of experienced those things about him and things he loved. It is so frustrating, because he was so different from the rest. 

So I guess death is suppose to teach you something and make you grow spiritually. I done some thinking today about it. What has he taught me? I believe he taught me what love truly was. While he was alive I never really was sure what it was. When I lost him, I felt a big part of me left and realized that I was in love with him. I'm also thinking that this is a test to see if I live life. I have struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. I remember being just a kid and feeling/thinking suicidal thoughts. Kids shouldn't think this way. Maybe I had committed suicide in a previous life and because I didn't live life like I was suppose to then I will have to make up for it in this life. I want to live so that when I do die I can be with him and those before me. I don't want to come back into a life to do it all over again. It is so hard to want to live when your whole life has been a struggle. I guess I am fortunate compared to others, because my life wasn't a struggle in which I was abused or lived in poverty but was a struggle with myself. That being a lack of self confidence and self esteem. My parents are and were pretty good except for supporting my decisions. I never could tell them anything without receiving negativity back. I also think my life lesson is to stand up for myself and live life the way I want to without worrying about what others think I should do. I believe I have been living it the way my parents, sister and boyfriends wanted me to because I was scared of what they would think if I didn't. Eric told me that I listened to others too much, and he realized that I didn't have support like he did with his family. He was pretty much the only support I had. I am grateful for the 7 and a half month we had together, I just wish we could have grown old together and shared our dreams. I love you Eric....