Sometimes I think Im ok, and then it hits me. Everything I ever wanted was in him. I try to think there will be someone else...that maybe I will feel better if I do, but it just makes me sick. He was so different then the rest. It use to be I dreamed of the things we would do together and talk about, the holidays we would share once we got together. Now those dreams are wasted and useless in dreaming.

He was one of a kind, selfless, loving, romantic, thoughtful, encouraging, good listener, supportive, funny, witty, smart, sensitive. 

I have no hope, I am at the lowest I have ever been in my life. I hate myself! I don't know what direction to go in anymore. I don't know what's right. Eric was my answer and gave me hope.

I don't know how Eric did it when he lost his Sarah 10 years ago. I wish I would have asked him more about it now. How ironic that I am going through the same thing he went through.

I have noticed though that when somebody's life is turning around they die. Eric said he gave up until he met me. He wanted to live and here he died anyway, because he was happy. My friend and her 3 kids died in a car accident 3 years ago. I talked to her 2 days before it happened and she seemed really happy, that her life was getting better. My sister's friend was killed recently and he just had a baby and was getting married this year. Makes one wonder that if you stay miserable you are going to live a long miserable life.

I have known so many people these last 10 years that have died. Now they were not people I was close with, but I knew them fairly well. Some because they were elderly, some suicides, some terminally sick, some car accidents or quad accidents. A couple was murdered. I am only 30, it just seems surreal to me that all these people have died that I knew.

Sometimes I have thoughts..I want to be with Eric. I wonder though if I will see him again. I know it will never be the same though. This frustrates me. How long do I have to wait to get to the other side? The problem is I have a history with depression and anxiety. I was feeling better until this.

If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane, 
I would walk right up to heaven
To bring you home again. 
No farewell words were spoken. 
No time to say good-bye. 
You were gone before we knew it, 
And only God knows why. 
My heart still aches in sadness
And secret tears still flow. 
What it meant to lose you, 
No one will ever know