It was a month ago today I last spoke to him on skype. I still remember bits of our conversation. I hadn't seen him for a week. He was showing me how much weight he had lost and said that maybe this was the kick he needed to lose the weight. It had been 3 weeks that he couldn't keep anything down. He was becoming more lethargic. Doctors still didn't know what was wrong with him. He had blood tests done earlier in the week but they had made a mistake and he was due to have them redone again the day he passed. That same day I spoke to him I received a couple of short emails from him saying he had passed out in his van, thankfully while parked. He also said in another one that he was scared and didn't want to be alone. In some ways he did die alone. He managed to say goodbye to his room mate who was headed to work that morning but didn't make it to the taxi that was called an hour and half later to take him to his blood test appt. I am so frustrated that his condition was not taken more seriously. I had texted him and left skype messages with him the night before, and I am frustrated because I should have called him instead and woke him up! Why when someone who means more to you then anything and anyone has to be taken away?! He was too young and things were turning around for him, he realized he did not want to give up on life anymore.

I am grateful that his dog, Slay was there with him at least. Apparently the dog never left his side all day until he was found. Slay was an amazing dog and made us laugh all the time. I could see how much Eric really loved him. He was a bit heartbroken thinking he was going to have to leave him behind when he moved to Canada to be with me. Now Slay and I are both heartbroken instead. 

In some ways I think I am being punished. I am just sick about everything. Everything I do, see, hear reminds me of him. It is too hard to come home and not being able to talk to him kills me. What do I do now? What direction do I go. I had some idea when he was alive. I am so confused. I am lonely, because nobody else "got me" as he did. 

He was the most romantic man I ever met. I still have an email he sent me on Dec 22, 2010...just a few weeks before he passed. He was so looking forward to our future together. Now I feel I don't have one. Here is that last letter he wrote, I've copied and pasted:

My darling Sherri, how I miss you...

Sitting here alone, fed up and cold.
Wishing I could hold you, kiss you as I grow old...
My mind is always on you, forever in my head.
I wish that I could be with you, warm in your bed...
I dream of you always, It never seems old, always feels new.
Together our lives will change and our dreams will come true, for all that matters is that I'm in love with you...

Sherri, you've changed my life forever, may this never change. Together forever, is all that I want, with you in my life I will be happy, I hope it will be many years before you need to change my nappy! 

Seriously though, I love you so... My patience has wavered but here we still are. Apart by an ocean, this may be true, but joining us together, our love so strong, together forever is where we belong. I look at the stars, shining so bright, I sit here alone, right through the night. Of you I think always, it keeps me alive, your love and positivity, knowing one day you'll be my wife. From that day forward, your dreams will come true, no longer will you feel lonely, unloved and blue. Your mind will be clearer, your purpose you'll find, happiness is near, always on my mind... Never forget that I love you, never forget that I care. Together forever, you will always be my best friend, and I'll be your teddy bear...

You will be what matters to me, my love, support and trust always yours for free... The difference you've brought out in me will be clear for all to see... 

I love you so much.... That will never change. My best friend and lover, my everything... One day we'll stand together, and you will wear my ring...
If the time is right a family we may start, but only if it feels right in your heart... I wouldn't wish for another to bare my children, you, the ideal mother... 
I've never felt this way about anyone before, my heart is there for you, like an open door. You have the key, don't lose it I beg, slay just farted, my nose needs a peg!

Love you... XxxX