Received Eric's stuff today in the mail that his sister had sent me. I must of known it would be here today. I felt nervous all morning and was thinking about it. Part of me was scared to open it because of the emotions that would come from seeing, touching smelling his stuff. I went through the book he was writing in to me. It was obvious how much he loved me, and how much he was looking forward to our future. This makes me so sad and frustrated. I don't think I will ever find anybody like him, as special as him. I am 31 now and it took me that long to find him. I keep feeling his shirt hoping to feel him I guess. When I lay my head down on it I picture me laying my head on his chest and imagine his arms around me. Those arms that I will never get to feel. That chest I will never get to hug. I wonder what he smelled like. The anguish of not knowing or experiencing these things pains me so much. The never knowings. The emptiness of not being able to experience what true love physically is. Of having someone treat me like a princess.

I feel like an idiot...like I didn't do enough. He was so good at expressing himself. Why didn't I show him more, tell him more. Why am I so unemotional? I use to joke he was the woman and I was the man of the relationship. He was so sensitive and I loved him for it.

I wonder if he misses me like I miss him? I want him to be frustrated like I am at not ever getting to love me, to be with me. I know it isn't so. How can someone feel those things when they are in a better place?